journal #1

right now, I am being bored. right now, being 5:34 PM on July 27, 1998. no, I do not like to capitalize the first words in my sentences. I think it is more attractive that way. particularly in such a small font. is it an eyesore, the font being so small? no, at least, not as much of an eyesore as H1 blinking text. I prefer small, calm, Arial text. it's not annoying, except to those with really high resolutions or eyesight problems, or both.

right now, I am also happy. this is because I am making this document on God, my ThinkPad. I think that it is original to have named my computer, since it is my first "officially mine," bought for me, for my purposes, computer. my first "computer," however, was bought for making classwork and so forth. you can read all about that computer at a no longer existing site.

right now.. I am sitting in my Aunt's bookstore. in Reno, Nevada. it is big, wonderful, marvelous, and snazzy. I am sipping butterscotch Italian soda. my tummy likes it, although the ginger ale is making it tingle.

right now.. my stomach is really starting to hurt. my, that was some strangely cold and sweet soda. I hope I will not be sick. man, it's tasty stuff. it feels good to no longer be in the office. I am getting really sleepy...

day 2 -

right now.. I am thinking about millenium sex. you see, we're all going to get laid before 2000. at least, those of us whom deserve it. this is use of an inevitable rush to fulfill the wishes of us whom desire to not die a virgin. read that sentence over a few times. I know it is worded too confusingly.

right now I am also thinking about some quotes from a month or two ago. said Amy: "In the unlikely event of a water landing, Katrina's breasts my be used as a floatation device." said Emily on another occasion: "dampness." said Amy on another occasion: "Deep Fried Choad Strips. Free for the thousandth customer. Only at Penis in the Box." said Adam Corrolla: "Your crotch may vary."

right now my lower belly hurts. this is because I am female. I'll not describe that further. how I do love this skirt. it makes my hair more beautiful. I don't know why. I don't know why I care. maybe, subconsciously, I am a whore whom wishes to attract whordes of men. I doubt it. but weirder things are quite a bit more possible.

right now, I am loving God. oh, God Johnson, how I love you. How I love the feel of your perfectly resistant keys beneath my fingertips. how I love the texture of your TrackPoint cap. how I love the little slider that adjusts your brightness. you could only be more perfect if you had 64 more megs of DRAM and could read audio data. and a zillion other things, but it'd feel as though I were desparaging you if I were to point out your room for improvement.

right now I am sad and upset, and moody. gotta love that womanly cycle. or not. and I am listening to Sensucht, Rammstein. Engel, the English Version (track 12). vegetarianism has changed my womanly cycle. it's like I have to go to the bathroom every half hour. at least I know I'm not dehydrated. I love tomatoes. sandwiches are so bland without them. and I apologize if this entry was a little gross for you. but hey. it does say "raucous" on the main page.

right now I wonder what it feels like to be pregnant. I don't have much of an idea in the first person point of view, but my best friend (Natalie) had a baby earlier this year, and many of my classmates had babies. well, with the blessing of Gd. Johnny Rotten and Gd. Johnson upon my friends and I, I highly doubt pregnancy will be a side effect of any and all millenium sex unless wished.

right now I came up with a theory. well, more like a statement. the purpose of humans, since humans came to existance, was to have sex. to survive. and to live. all things that evolved afterward were inevitable side effects.

day 3 -

right now I feel nearly dead of a headache. it's the kind that throbs in the back of your head and then moves around. I think I ate too many sweets and not enough otherstuff today. slept in too late. etcetera. I love Reno. my Aunt's Condo has a spectacular view of Reno.. amazing at sunset, with a beautiful mountain backdrop.. and incredible lights as far as you can see during the night.

right now I wish I could see a thunderstorm right now. I can see a storm behind the mountains in the distance.. I wanna see a big thunderstorm.. I want to see lightning all across the Reno valley.. I want to inhale the cool, humid air. I love thunder as much as I love Gd. Johnson. if I could trade Gd. Johnson in, for a life full of thunderstorms and rain.. well. I wouldn't because I love looking at the stars at night.

right now, it's sunset. this is beautiful, but in my few years.. I've seen sunsets that would stop your minds. I've lived such a blessed life to have seen so many places, experienced so many things, and learned so much. so many friends in my life that I can't count. I kinda feel dumb saying this.. it's like a "Praise God, Praise Jesus, Praise the Holy Spirit" rant should go in here.. but I'm an Atheist. probably a weak Atheist because I like the idea of the ethereal and mystical, so muchly.

right now I'm trying to remember what it was like, that sunset so long ago. I close my eyes and imagine.. feel the wind blowing in through the sliding door. trying to remember the immensity of the sunset. the huge arc of luminescent peachy-pink (but undescribable) beauty. the static strips of wonder accross the horizon, and the pastel purple and violet thunderheads behind me.. I spun around in circles trying to take in the whole thing. and I begun to feel really alive. although I was in shock for the fifteen minutes I stood there.. I can remember it. I feel that that was when my life really changed. I think that, because of experiencing such immense and perfect beauty, then.. I made my own life change.

day 4 -

right now I am stretching and relaxing... looking out the balcony door.. there's this big beautiful thunderhead above the Reno basin.. absolutely gorgeous. I can see the shadow of the clouds off in the distance. I get a slight whiff of mary jane... I can't tell if I'm upwind or it's just some old skanky clothes of my cousin's. I just got out of the shower a while ago and my hair is drying.. my legs feel clean and I'm really comfortable.

right now I'm kind of annoyed because I can't beat this one level on Donkey Kong Country. it's the last one on Lake Oranga Tanga. I just can't get pick up the bugs and throw them into the barrel's mouth.

right now I'm happy.. this is the most lovely breeze, and Reno is so green, with all its trees and parks. mm. I need to have something to eat; I've not eaten yet today, and it's already 3:40 P.M.

right now I'm listening to Machines Of Loving Grace--Golgotha Tenement Blues. it's the second track on The Crow soundtrack. it reminds me of overcast days in Kingsburg, California.. eating lunch in the park and singing along.. pretending to be sexy and stealing Li'l Nicky's brownies. all the days are beautiful. the waterfights, the wading in the Three Crowns fountain. the annoying boyfriend and Upplepop. those were the days, of making music and being myself. what a wonderful time it was, when I loudly stated, "I'm not wearing any pants," in K-Mart. I wasn't. and the looks I got from nearby shoppers. I loved that skirt ;-)

right now my belly is enjoying some of the most marvelous home-baked garlic and spice bread. so soft and smooshy, and so damntasty. mmph. I also gaze into the sky and wonder where my thunderstorm went. *sniff* it was so lovely. it hailed and all that. hail, hail. a conversation I had last night with a gentleman-friend has made me rethink my spirituality. it feels strange; I thought I'd never be theistic again after seeing some arguments I'd seen, and some logistical and scientific stuff. but my gentleman-friend spoke to me (at my request) about some things.. where it was impossible for evolution to have begun, chemically. amino acids were produced, and so on.. but when reproduced in labs, they were totally different from known life forms. I wonder now.. (there are so many more details not mentioned here) what caused the jump from amino acids to bacterial life and such. the molecular impossibilities.. just make me think. I am still happy.

right now it's 11:44 PM and I still haven't packed. I have to return to Reedley to live with my mother tomorrow evening at 7:40. I'm just so comfortable here gazing at the Lynyrd Skynyrd t-shirt that my stinkysmoker cousin tacked up there. I love him. I love my Aunt. I love my family so much. The other day.. the twenty-sixth, there was a Johnson family (my father's side.. my Aunt is my father's brother's wife) get-together. my Granny was there. the get-together was a kind of a joint birthday party of my uncle and Granny. Granny will be ninety-seven in August. she's.. so beautiful. bright. darling. blessed. she is so alive, although her memory is gone. I seem to be the only person in the family whom she's always recognized. when she saw me the other day, and took me in, she was aghast at how much I'd grown.. I feel her. I wonder how similar I will be to her, if and when I am that old.

right now... I'm also noting that I've passed the Bertha's Barn level of Donkey Kong Country (with the help of my 8-year old cousin ;-) and am already at the second level of Kerwood Forest (or whatever it's called). I just can't get away from the damned red bees.

day 5 -

right now I am sitting in a Delta Airlines aircraft. the sun is shining in through my window. it is 8:11 PM and the horizon is like a rainbow. a 15 year old girl named Ginny sits next to me reading All About YOU! magazine. I just look at the sun and the mountains beneath the smog. what a big, beautiful world. I'm kinda blind now as I type though :-/ I remember the events of today and probably will for a long time. all week I'd seen James working in my Aunt's bookstore but never really talked to him. but today we just sat down and talked. it's amazing what you can never know about people. it's amazing the people you'll never know. good vibes, bad vibes, they all differ, they're all the same. just as change. I see so many bodies of water below me; lakes, rivers, large ponds. it's just a smidgen turbulent. the sun is changing from yellow to orange to this amazing fuschia-red. it dips down.. and I have to put God Henry Stan Johnson away now. I may or may not enter more later today.

right now when I think about it, time is slow. I watch the clock, and it ticks, click, click, click. and I wonder, how many times I've thought the same thought. how many times I've felt de-ja-vu. and how many times I've felt vu-ja-de, like I'd never felt that before. my tastes in music have changed so much in the past couple of years, too. like I'd never heard it before, unless you count the past lives I'd had. when I spoke to my Aunt Billie at the family get together July 26th, she told me of how she had seen Ravishankar at the university so long ago. I have heard so little sitar music, I hope to be able to obtain some soon. I have a Sam Goody gift certificate for $20 that I got last Christmas, and I've never had an opportunity to spend it.

right now I just finished my autobiography. I feel kinda schizo writing about what I just did in a journal, that will go in the same place, for the same people to read. okay, I'll stop now. and it's 11:26 PM on Friday, July 21, by the way. :-)

day 6 -

right now I feel so unbelievably content. I finally spoke to my dear Kelly and stuff. oh jeez I really love her. and I'm in such a daze all day to day. I wonder if it was a dream that I had ;-) I just listen to Appels + Oranjes from Adore by the Smashing Pumpkins. I feel so clean and innocent and I can't stop smiling.. espescially.. this album.. these songs.. secrets.

right now, I want to fly.. and I do. inside.. and I fly. and it reminds me of childhood.. when it was the day before my 9th birthday. I had this dream, that if I spun around really fast, and after a few seconds, with my arms stretched out.. I could fly. and once I was up in the air, I didn't have to spin anymore. just lay on my belly on the wind, and glide across the wind. and look below me at the world.. it was a cartoon world. big styrofoam trees, a dunk-tank, and the owl from Winnie the Pooh was flying with me. Peter Pan waved at me as I flew overhead. like the water that flows from overhead.. I am in such a trip.. but I couldn't be more sober. I just can't say why I feel this way.. oh, a boy :-) and I feel so innocent :-)

right now I'm thinking I want to live my life as poetry, and to think as everything is beautiful.. as I have for the past few days. and it is amazing who might change your life. it could've been someone you thought was just a normal fella. it might've been someone you just talked to on the street. it might've been that fella with the eccentric shopping list. it might've been the fella, whose initials stood for Over Dose, out of date, old and dead. and it could've been the person you had your eye on all along.. and never knew what lay within them. and I sit here. staring at this cheap 15" monitor with my eyes burning, in the dark.

right now I dream. and I touch my face. I just can't start to describe how beautiful I feel inside. I need to go out tonight.. I just can't sit here and do this.. I hope my mom comes home soon so we can go to Fresno. I just want to see more of the world than my apartment, today.

day 7 -

right now I'm thinking about this poem I wrote last night.. I think it's pretty well.. unconstructed.. I've not written any decent poetry for a while, but I kinda want to put it here anyways. so here it is.

lick up your painful drippings
the blood of your lips
in your spoken word
and written mind.
taste your insane feelings
taste the way you die
and I am your food
you are so new
and I'm so into you
and together, we're innocent.
I'm the fruit your soul hungers for
and I'm the words I write
as I hear you, I've never heard your voice.
you. you were the one that changed me.
are you satisfied as I?
are you the same as me?
well, I think you understand me.
and so I think you know why I cry and smile
maybe it's just the hormones that make me groan
you were so forbidden
locked in your gates and I don't know
and like I never expected, you showed me a smile
even when I couldn't see it
I knew it was just as bright as mine
and I knew then
and I continue to feel this way
like a gift I never knew I could have
a lock to which I didn't know I had the key
and I pray not to make the same mistakes I have before
I want you to be special
as you already are.
I pray to no gods to be right this time
I pray to none but all I have within me... that I'll be able to control myself
and these.
and being like no one.
and you're like no one.
and as we're like no one
they are not one of us.
I know this isn't really poetic
But I never saw the door til you turned me around
and I never saw the sun until you made me breathe.
And over the course of not long
How, how I've changed.
your seeds and grains and bread
your seeds and fruit and wine
and I just open my ears to your innocent lips
and hear your compassion with no voice
and long to feel your untouched lips
to see your smile
and to see you dream.

so okay there it is. I'm going to go have lunch now, or something. bye.

day 8 -

right now.. I'm listening to Crestfallen off Adore by the Smashing Pumpkins. wah. and I can't connect to the internet because GTE really really genuinely sucks. they NEED another circuit between Reedley and Dinuba. I want to strangle some GTE person right now. anyway I'm thinking about this other poem I wrote last night.. okay mom's home with lunch. ta ta for now.

right now there's this song playing on the radio. but I don't know what it is. I don't know where it is. I can't hear it. and I'm kinda bored. but then there's another poem that I wrote. I'm not going to put it in my journal. it's already in the blackbook. and then.. I reformatted God three times in the past 24 hours. I can't make up my mind how I want it. this'll do for now. I'll prolly just leave him alone until I get back to Arizona on the 24th of August this year.

right now I'm kicking myself in the various body parts. I allowed myself to be convinced I'd become anemic if I didn't have any iron, and I ate a rib at dinner today. you see, I went to dinner at my mom's boyfriend's house. I met his mother and his daughter, and granddaughter. well I had met his daughter and granddaughter prior. well those were some awesome ribs but they went down so slow and miserably. I'm just going to have to get some iron pills. I just can't take meat. I don't think I'll even eat seafood anymore.

right now I'm looking at this ring on my finger. it was my late grandmother's a few years ago. the last time she ever came to visit our family, she went out one day with my mother, to Sedona. I was in school and daddy was at work. while my mother and grandmother were in Sedona, my grandmother gave my mother this beautiful turquoise ring. well last night, my mother went out to dinner and for the first time I noticed the ring. it's so beautiful, timeless. big turquoise set in silver with this twist around the setting. and it's the only ring I wear.

day 9 -

right now I feel even worse.. I ate some more meat today. it's like I'm killing myself slowly. but I'm still kinda happy. I saw the movie face/off this evening. it was good. it's 3 AM and I'm getting pissed.. there's nothing but infomercials on. why can't it be the same as it was in Arizona, where I don't even have a TV? bah. TVs create boredom. I am now convinced.

right now I feel incredibly stupid because I can't come up with any deep or profound insights to expose to you people whomsoever might read this thing. at the moment I'm just your average weirdass trying to pry open her plastic case to this thingie. and it won't open. pardon me while I go microwave up some fettuccine. there's no way in hell I'll be able to be a vegan, I realize. I drink too much milk and eat so much cheese.. it's far too dramatic a change in my diet, at least, in my current situation. if I were in Arizona right now I'd at least have the resources to attempt such a deed.

right now my TV is the only light on in the house, except for the monitor at which I stare. the blinking note in the bottom of my screen indicates someone is attempting communication with me. yet I merely type away at this WordPad program on my miracleputer device. this is the most cliche trip I'm having, I suppose, but 50 years ago you could hardly get a calculator for a week's earnings.. and now you can get a complete 386 system - monitor and puter and keyboard and mouse - for like, $250. my bra itches me and I wanna go lie down. pardon me.

right now I'm seriously in danger of becoming a vegetable again, as I was a couple of summers ago. I am avidly watching this terribly lame infomercial.. probably because it's so lame it's almost amusing. it's for this business opportunity garbage.

right now is the 90's. it's the time of teen gothic stereotypes, and L.L. Cool J, and tight little hiphuggers. it's the time of cat's-eye glasses and and really retarded rebellion against sane parents who really are right. it's the time of girls like Ginny saying "You have a laptop? I hate you. I want one so bad." it's the nineties. it's the time of toleration among those of us who see what's going on. and just maybe it'll become a time of rebellion.. as I hope might happen these next two years. I don't know what is to come but something is to happen. I have some theories but I'll save them for another time.

day 10 -

right now I am thinking of all this stuff that isn't in my autobiography. like my grandmother's death and so on. some important events in my childhood. but I'll add them later on.

right now it's 11:25 PM on August 5. I became lucky, today. I also like euphemisms. my blind is blank for other necessary information.

day 11-

right now I dwell on innocence. and I cry. and cry. and cry. love, it causes so much pain. why my best friend disowned me. and.. how I need to talk.. with someone.. I need a hug.. so bad.

right now my friend Amy is over my house. I'm sorry I haven't written much in the past couple of days. I don't know. maybe it's just my mood or something. my stomach hurts, I drank too much diet Dr. Pepper. I want my mind back.. I've not been able to think of much now.. ever since the fucked-up events of yesterday and early today. yeah, pardon my language please. I just can't think straight. I can't think deeply. there's something about losing a friend in this manner. well, abandoning me was a decision on his part, because of the way he feels about something that I did, which he didn't hear me out, about.

right now, I refuse to hate myself. I refuse to pity myself. I refuse to do the things that I have in the past that ended up making me just think I was a retard. it has been a long time since anyone has done anything to truly shock me.. except last week.. the gentleman.. but then I get all sad again, because.. if he learns of the past couple of day's events from someone else first.. I don't know what'll happen between him and I. that thought scares me. losing another gentleman-friend. various phrases that I can't think of in my absence of concentration.

right now I hope this is a satisfying diary entry. I wanna go back to hanging out with Amy like I should be. bye for now.

day 12 -

right now my stomach hurts. I went to this fancy-schmancy resturaunt with Amy, because my mother had a gift certificate to it. it was really.. overpriced and lousy. one of those kinds of places where you can't get a plate of food for less than $15. oh, the service was miserable. and the food - worse. and our bill.. massive. it's called Sherwood Inn, and it's somewhere in between Reedley and Fresno, I think. absolutely lousy.

right now there's this black and white movie that mommy got for $4, that Amy and I are watching. Anna Karenina. I remember a reference to that novel in a book I read as a child, a book about a really cool cheerleader, whose father had a green Jaguar. I want a car. even though I'm not old enough to drive. I want a sky blue Karmann Ghia. I also want Amy's dress, which I am wearing.

right now I am wondering about what I really want. I really want a good fella. a good man. sometimes I forget about what I have though. but they're so far away. my world is so big these days. and I have everything I want. and some things I don't want. like what I don't want. I don't want any guy to just walk up to me in a theater and ask me questions; as Curtis did earlier tonight. a nineteen year old black boy (I can't say gentleman) who'd spent time in juvie and had nothing in common with me. he wanted some. I didn't want to give it to him. he touched my ass; even after I had told him that I had a boyfriend, and was a good girl. he was a moron. he said beforehand, that later on he'd go back to Fresno, listen to rap, and get shot at. (and I'm just analyzing the behaviour of every man who behaves toward me) just take a lesson from Curtis; women aren't impressed by time in juvenile hall. women aren't impressed by guys with antsy fingers. women don't like it when moronic slang is used to suggest making out or more. and women like guys who listen.

right now I am wondering about generalizations and other retarded things, and why I am not thinking deeply as I had been. probably cause it hasn't been raining and I am not in a foreign enough place. maybe I am in denial about my friend abandoning me, about my other friend's mother's behaviour toward me, about my desperation of late, and the many gifts I have. I'm thinking that perfection in life is very fickle.

right now I am just waiting. waiting to be able to speak with one of my few close friends. I just have to speak to him before anyone else can tell him the news. if I lose him I don't know what my life will become. espescially if.. if.. if.

day 13 -

right now I'm just digesting stuff and sitting here. nothing really happened. except tomorrow I am going to Pismo Beach with Amy, she ended up spending another night here. my lips are all greasy because Pizza Pirate is really shitty. I love green bell pepper and pineapple pizza. sweet and sour pizza, as Brianna used to call it, before she got arrested and shipped off.. while I tried my best to make her last moments a little better. when she showed up at my doorstep at eleven PM the night beforehand, I took her in and let her spend the night. she needed a place to sleep that night. Brianna, I knew, was not the most trustworthy or honest person. in fact, probably any other person would've made an excuse to keep her out. but I couldn't. I had a bunk bed, after all. she told me that her parents had kicked her out. she lied. maybe not completely, but she did. but in my heart I wanted her to have a little comfort for once. Peggy always acted, (when Brianna wasn't around) as though Brianna inflicted all of her troubles upon herself. it had a lot to do with her childhood. even then.. I think now, that Brianna will remember me for the rest of her life.. for something. like how I wasted all my allowance on sweet and sour pizza for them at Excel, for no apparent reason. for the happenings of May the 28th. for letting her stay the last night that she had in Prescott, as a free kid, in my home. even though she knew she probably didn't deserve it. and somehow I hope there are people out there who would do the same things for me.

right now I want to watch tv, eat pizza, and talk nonsense with Amy, and go to bed so I can be awake at the beach tomorrow. I love California, in its own special way.

day 14 -

right now I am bright red and aching from a sunburn. Amy and I saw very few cutes at Pismo Beach and Morro Bay, today. however, we did see a very Jewish-appearing fellow. Amy likes Jews. I like Germans. otherwise, we're exactly the same. almost. my eyes, my face, my body hurt. finally my stomach feels normal again. finally the cable is fixed, although I don't watch it. finally I got to see the ocean again. I wish I had taken more pictures.

right now I am remembering Duane, O he whom I miss lots&lots. the Duane whom I met in December of 1996. there was a gentleman at the beach with a friend, who looked somewhat similar to Duane, except he looked different. bah. but Pismo was scary. the immense number of trendy-type girls were there. as we stood outside the door to a lovely little shop, a girl walked out with her friends, appearing to be approximately 14 - 17. the blonde girl said (she was wearing neo-hippie beach clothes and HEMP), "This is like, the kind of place where, I'd, like, shop, if I had no money, and I wanted a chair." Girl #2, "Ohmigod, look at that chair!" (All girls giggle in unison) and said Amy.. "Haven't you ever just got the urge to kinda wanna smash in someone's face?" and said this audibly. The hideously empty-headed blonde was too busy whining about something to even notice. I find it revolting that I see similar examples of late-90's teenage girl culture, every single day.

right now I am feeling way too pessimistic. I want a Yanni CD. I want another computer, too.

right now I want you to maybe take a peek at my poetry, unless of course, you know any of my relatives. ok?

day 15 -

right now I keep thinking about this guy I used to be so close to. I used to send him song lyrics and poetry in emails. I used to be connected straight into him.. by some ethereal rope tying my spine to his. and because of a minor mistake I made, and two things that weren't supposed to be seen.. now we can't speak.. or he can't speak to me.

right now I feel so horribly sick. I miss my dad more than I ever have before.. with the possible exception of when I went to the Philippines as a toddler, for 3 months. I don't recall ever needing this kind of emotional support.. so many things.. I just need a man to take my mind off what I can't stop thinking about.. I need a hug so badly. I miss my close gentleman friends.

right now I feel a lot of despair. I thwap myself for it. I have so much compassion and no one to focus it on.. my girlfriends just aren't enough. I guess I have learned, in the past two weeks, that perfection never lasts. what I had has differed so much because of so many things intertwined. so many friends of mine have changed, come, and disappeared. so many old bridges over which I need to backtrack.. I miss Lee. I miss Kim. I miss Lisa. I miss Billy. I miss Damien. I miss the boy with curly brown hair from Fresno, July the 9th of 1997. I miss my daddy. I miss Mike. I miss Shannon and Shawn. I miss Heath, Nathan, and most of all.. Duane and Sarah.

day 16 -

right now I am feeling a lot better. so much better. I just needed some sleep, that's all. I guess. I just hope I don't manage to get myself in a situation where I end up abused, again. I want to sleep in a big bed made of sound, beautiful sound. I want to feel more with my senses.

right now this song is making me feel so old. it's "Tear" (pronounced tare [I think]) from Adore.. yeah I know I've been blabbering about this CD lately. it's just.. good. I don't know what to say about that. and it reminds me of a lot of happy things already. like Amy and sleep and gentleman friends. it reminds me of innocent compassion, lover's first caresses.. and it is so beautiful, reminding me in turn, that I want to go to sleep.

right now I think I've made another step in my thinking processes. I'm so glad I've been writing in this journal.. it's been helping me to realize the mistakes I make, and the lesser-appreciated aspects of my personality. and for no apparent reason I'm very happy :-)

right now I realized.. how much I have changed since January of this year. I can't remember what my New Year's resolution was. January was such a blur of sleep, rain, school, dropping out, crying a lot, and then being happy all of a sudden for no particular reason. contentment is something so easy for me to attain now, if I relax and think of those whom I love. just because some friends can't bear with the mistakes I made, doesn't mean that no one loves me, or that no one forgives me. there is so much for me to recieve in life, as long as I keep sharing.

right now I really miss the Philippines. I miss the bugs, the rain, the confusion of the foreign language, the people who smiled at me just to smile. I miss the big, gorgeous thunderheads, I miss the wind, I miss the Jeepneys, the abundant life.. just so much flora and fauna there, and I miss it so much. I loved the environment, the air, the radio stations, the views, the numerous taxicabs in which I rode, the smiles. the Kashmir restaurant, the Kashmiri Yakni soup, the floating candles, the smiling-at-me rotund English gentleman, the strange bathing facilities in one of the hotel rooms, the Glorietta malls. the cat with the broken tail (rest in peace), the ladies' college in Cotabato, the murals, the sunshine, the many marvels of their culture's everyday lifestyle.

day 17 -

right now I keep remembering elements of a dream I had this morning. it was about the Smashing Pumpkins. I haven't had a dream about several people I recognize in the manner, for quite a while. I remember that I was so nervous, I couldn't smile. I kept trying, but it just didn't turn out happy looking--I was already overjoyed inside, I was just so nervous. I was confronted with several people I've always admired, and at times, idolized, for their creative talent. and I can't remember I why I was backstage--I think I was working at the little office where they were--and Billy Corgan asked me to file these papers and pictures into a large black binder. I happen to keep a quasi-scrapbook in a large black binder. but for some reason, small elements kept popping up that were antique.. the paper the things were written on was antique, D'Arcy's combs were quite old (the kind of ornamental hair combs), there were quills instead of pens, etcetera. however, the table and chairs were fold-up metal tubing contraptions. and after a few minutes, I could finally smile. I guess it just meant I had to take it all in. I'm still not sure.

right now I'm afraid I have very little to say :-( I love KMFDM's Angst. I love the way the female vocals dance over the different instruments. go go gadget elbow! I love cartoons. my life is seemingly a cycle. progression, regression. like the worm that digs three feet up and two feet down, every so often, and eventually gets to the surface. my mental state has regressed a bit, but I'm sure it'll grow further again. good golly, I really, really do miss my father. I miss men. I'm getting very bored with my vacation.

day 18 -

right now I feel clean and fresh. I slept so well, and had a great shower. I just love waking up on the right side of the bed. I wonder where I'll go today. It's my mother's day off, this Thursday the 13th of August.

right now I feel very relaxed, and refreshed, still. I took a nap this afternoon, and slept marvelously. I love my mom. I don't have very many memories of her though. But then there's this one, back when she still had her black Thunderbird... it was after church, and I was about 7, and we went to Burger King to get grub so we could drive out to the forebay and have a picnic. that was when they were having their gimmick of the twin-burger-thingies, remember those? the conjoined hamburgers? I loved those, I really did. anyway, we got our Burger King grub drive-through, and drove out to the hills by the forebay, and decided to eat out on one of the hills instead of the picnic area at the forebay. it was absolutely beautiful, one of my fondest childhood memories. we had towels in the car, that we sat on--mommy kept towels because she compulsively washed her car--we had some pillows, because I always made sure there were pillows in the back seat. we kind of kicked back for quite a few minutes, ate our food, took pictures (what I wouldn't give to see them, but I have no clue where they are.. I'm going to try to look for them with mommy, sometime), watched the clouds move slowly, laid down on the blankets, and kind of held each other, in familial compassion. it was heavenly.

right now I am reminded of the beautiful, clear Sunday mornings.. I don't remember one disagreeable Sunday morning.. I loved our garden in the front yard, when we lived in Los Banos. everything was so beautiful and clear, and clean, and cool, and fresh on Sunday morning, we'd always take a little while to smell the roses in the garden and check out the random blooming plant before we got in the car and went to church. We took a lot of pictures on Sunday mornings, then, when I was still so, so young.

day 19 -

right now the world has begun to turn in a whole new light for me. I feel as though this day has lasted a week, or a month. I find it strange but still good, that I have kept this journal since the time I did. I inadvertently documented the biggest change in my life and some of the events that led up to it.

right now, I feel very safe and secure. I have no more secrets that I feel threaten me. I have finally spoken and cleared with my mother, my current place in the road of life. she loves me, and has said that she very much respects my wisdom, and my way of handling the events of late. when she acknowledged that I had changed drastically over the time I moved back to Prescott with my father, I told her about how my outlook on life has changed drastically--seeing things as they are in reality, in the objective--rather than seeing things only as they pertain to me. I spoke with her a lot of the evening, until she fell asleep as I spoke to her. she looked very pleased and loving of me. I love her. I will remember this August 14th of 1998 :-)

day 20 -

right now I am so happy and content :-) a couple hours ago when my mother got off the phone, she sat down and started talking with me. instead of talking to me. and she listened to me, as I listened to her. as equals, with wide open minds and empathy. I finally spoke with her about the only thing I ever felt I was hiding from her, and my conscience feels one step closer to being completely clear. I only hope I can talk to my dad about it too, soon. I never felt very close to my mother before, but we've now developed a higher understanding of our family. I'm her baby girl, I'm her miracle.. it took two years for her to conceive me. and I love her with all my heart, as she loves me, and she respects me very highly. I think she is very proud, and pleased, to have me as a daughter.

right now my family seems absolutely perfect. I love my mother, I love my father, they love me. my mother's boyfriend loves me, and is concerned for my feelings toward him and my mother. I will speak to him before I return to Arizona, and tell him I feel that their relationship is very beautiful and healthy, and that I wish them the very best. my mother is so happy with him, and vice versa, I can't help but smile because I know that Willie is a good man. I am so happy with myself, and I love my new philosophy and outlook on life. when I began to love myself and everyone around me, everyone around me has loved me back. I get so much in return, am so satisfied and content, I wonder howcome so few people have the same philosophy as I. when I really start to ponder it, it gets harder and harder to answer.

day 21 -

right now my mother is at work and I am at home. it's August 16, 1998. my close friend's mother passed away early this morning. it reminds me of mortality. it reminds me of how fragile humans are. it reminds me of the saying, "Life is what you make of it." I know Fran died happy, because in her life she made some beautiful children, espescially Meredith. it is so beautiful, that her last thoughts were joyful, knowing that she was loved. I hope that when I die, as far in the future as that might be, everyone remembers that I loved life and was happy. I hope and believe that the life I am making for myself is a glorious one. I am very content :-)

right now I just got done talking with a gentleman friend on the phone. I told him about the past eleven days' events. I told him the major points of how my life has changed, and how it has something to do with him. I told him that I felt he was special, eternal, intriguing. and now, I feel strange, in kind of a regretful way.. I have no idea how he must feel now, what mixed messages I must've sent to him. I hope he realizes that I've got my act together now. I wonder how long it'll be until I can speak with him again.

day 22 -

right now I remembered the cutest thing! from when I was a little girl.. I think I was about 4. my next door neighbors, Shannon and Shawn Carmo, were over my house. I believe Judy and Erminia were there, as well. quite possibly Daniel Rammiocotti, too. Shannon decided that I would marry Shawn, because I was me, or something. Shannon got one of our towels and put it on my head like a veil. Daniel went with Shawn into the bathroom and slicked back his hair, 80's style. oh my, this must've been precious. then we lined up in my room all neatly, and Daniel went to the other end. with the colorful beach towel upon my head, I walked down the 'aisle' with Shawn, after Shannon, who was my bridesmaid. I got married to Shawn that day. the afternoon sunlight poured in through my pink curtains that dressed my south-facing window. I remember my big, tall dresser, and my beautiful pink lacey bedspread. I remember not kissing him :-)

right now I remember some other things Shannon did with Shawn and I. I remember that I had a laptop chalkboard, and Shannon taught me how to write out the alphabet. I remember having a hard time with the letter 'E' and that my letter 'i' looked a lot like a match. I remember later on.. she held a spelling contest between Shawn and I at their house, in their den. I misspelled 'two' as 'tow'. they had an extra TV in their den, with a nintendo. Shawn was really good at Duck Hunt and Mario Bros.

day 23 -

right now, again, I feel kinda lonely. I feel happy, tranquil, peaceful. but I still feel lonely. not sad nor upset. a whole bunch of boys in my life seem to have disappeared at once, and it makes very little sense to me. maybe they are all back in school again, or something. I feel very incomplete. I feel like I passed up a vital clue to the mystery of life, as though I'd brought something with me to dreamland and left it behind. I feel sorrowful for my friend and so on. growing up fast just might've fucked me up a bit hard. I wouldn't trade it for anything though. I still have everything I want, materially. I just have a pair more things to accomplish for myself until my conscience will be clear. I feel almost as a hypocrite because of something critical I said of a peer of mine. and as I look through my old poetry and journals, I am amazed and quite curious as to what changed me from being emotionally average and popular with my peers, as a seventh grader.. and now I have become what I am now. I wonder if I have been insensitive and I wonder if I am too proud. I've never been guilty of stuffing my shirt but I grow wearier of accusations of late. I am tired, cold.. and shivering. it's been too long since I have had a wonderful dream.

day 24 -

right now I remain tired and somewhat nihil. I look at my hands and wonder how many people they have touched, how many lives they have touched. I really don't have a clue. maybe a thousand, maybe ten times more, maybe so many times fewer. maybe I have these regressive feelings because I am listening to old music. and older favorites of my albums. I should put Beck on or something.. I feel too sober and cold. I feel strangely useless, too. I need my glee back. I need some ice cream, that's it! okay I feel better now! amazing what some mint can do for moods :-)

right now I am trying, in vain, to unnappify my hair. my mother and I had our fun in the white mustang today :-) drove with the top down. and now, my hair, it is a nest of horrible intensity. I have done this before, and I can do it again--riding in the bed of a truck is a LOT worse on the hair--but right now I am so tired and bored I don't know what I'm tripping on and I know I ate way too much dinner.

day 26 -

right now I am overwhelmed. but I am not overwhelmed. everything was happily ever after. everything worked out. all the obstacles became oppurtunities. I don't know how it happened. I don't know why it happened to me. I am the same person but my mind is different. I have become so different. I wonder what I am and who I am and how I work, what makes me tick. the things I love and the things I don't love and I do have a soulmate. my dad IS ALIVE, he is living, and no matter how many tears fell and no matter how much fear and sorrow and fright I had, it was a nightmare. it was very STRANGE. that is the best way I can describe it. in three days, things fell into place. kinda like how they did on May 28th. only on a more massive scale. I don't think that this is my life story. this is hardly a fragment of it. barely a fraction of me. I am amazed with myself, that I am just one life of about 6 billion. I think someday they'll be able to count up all the people in the world. but then someone is going to be born again. or maybe they will be born for the first time.

right now I keep remembering the time when I was quite young, about 6 years old. we had a peach tree in our backyard that was always covered with ants, but it was always the tallest tree. one afternoon, when my grandmother and great-grandmother and aunts were visiting, I climbed up the peach tree. I don't know how I managed to get up there, but I got myself out on a big sturdy limb and I saw a BEAUTIFUL orange-peach sunset. but I was stuck in the tree, and when great-grandmother came out looking for me, she knew that I was stuck, and we got daddy and he helped me down.. I had to leap out of the tree. I saw one of the most beautiful sunsets when I got up into that tree, when I learned how to climb, when I got no ant-bites. I couldn't reach any of the peaches to eat them but that was fine, because I would get by on other food later on. the sunset lasted for kind of a long time, and I was alone on the limb loving it even though I wasn't comfortable. I wasn't comfortable with the itchy bark and all the ants... but the sunset, and the height from which I was seeing it, and the fact that I got up into the tree all on my own, was so amazing. but when I got back down.. I was scolded, because materially I 'made a mistake'. I climbed up a tree that I couldn't get down from, alone. but I had my father.. and I had my family. I had my sunset, and my love and life and youth and bliss. so I learned my lesson, I guess. humans are human, they make mistakes and grow. they depend on each other and love one another, and grow. and we are all alive, those of us who are. we're human.

right now I love life as I love everything, and I love everything so much. and I don't love anything 'more' because I don't love anything less. the obstacles, were not bad. just I know that my life will be beautiful and work out. I could just talk anyone's ear off right now about my joy, but I guess I am just talking my own ear off. this isn't like I'm saying goodbye to my journal.. because I know that I will always have something to say. I am so amazed that I have succeeded at what I wanted. like when I was in 2nd grade and Kimmy McKissick said to me, "if you could have one wish, what would it be?" and I told her I wanted to be the most beautiful girl in the world. and maybe I have allowed the girl inside me to grow so beautiful, even through my 'mistakes' as irresponsible as they may have been, as obstacles they became such intense opportunities. and I take nothing for granted, and I love everything I have, every cell and molecule I am made of, the atoms I am constantly interacting with, every PERSON that I see and encounter every day, so many lives. so MANY people, just as I am just one person. I have so much life to live, and so much to share, and so much strength inside of me. and I wonder again.. if I believe in God. and the thing is, I really don't think I do. but I feel as quite possibly the most spiritual person I've ever known. I believe in coincidences amidst chaos.. as ESP and intuition might be called. I have spoken to God in dreams. so God is just a dream. but life, love, freedom, honesty, virtue.. I feel I am just so clean, so enlightened. I really think I can change lives. I really do want to be a nurse when I grow up.

right now I am full of words, still, so full of feelings. I feel so human, so human, and so much more human. I feel mortal, but alive. every breath I take is one that I love, every movement I make, I take it with its blessing. I have found my peace, and I feel so absolutely amazing. and my soulmate.. yes, just perfect but never too good to be true. no fallacy in the first place. none to find. none to expect. none to occur. I know that I am so incoherent here.. I don't know how to explain it any other way though. I am pretty sure that Nathan William Reynolds will understand this. I am kinda sure that Daddy probably will. I don't know if Craig, or Sarah, or Natalie, or my mother, or anyone else will even read this. as fragmented and unconstructed as this journal has been... I guess it is what I am. as much as you can analyze a human, there cannot be a language developed to explain everything. but when it all comes down to it... you're alive or you're not. you're young, or you're old. you're man, or you're woman. does it really matter? it all depends on how you take it, on how you look at it. and the love I feel, and know I will give and help others to understand, is as strong as all the life in this earth. and anyone can love. but I know.. and I don't know how to explain it. I know I probably don't need to. I doubt very many people will read this. it's just that we are, and we will. as violent and hateful and emotional as humanity manifests itself, that is what it means to be human. understanding it and still being it.. is what has been my enlightenment. I am not alienated in my enlightened understanding of reality and life, and humanity. I am even more familiar with everything, and I can handle it all. I can live through it all. even though I am mortal. these thoughts that I am having have no substance, no matter, made of nothing but chemical reactions. they are beautiful. and I love. even the pain I feel, is felt. I feel so big, I feel so 'am'. it's just so hard to explain but I know that whether it matters or not.. I will get by, and I will grow. I have no more fears anymore.. the confrontation today and last night of my only fear, was and still is extremely vivid. but now I know that everything will work out. everything is secure and stable.. even in our chaos. life is a paradox, my life is such a contradiction. my stability.. my chaos.. I love it all.

right now I am still a teenager. and I don't deny it. I am 14 years old. I was born September the third, of Nineteen Hundred and Eighty-three years AD. even though I know that the proper date is 'A.D. 1983'. and it was ten in the morning. and my mother and father were so scared. I will probably be scared when I become a mother. but I will get through it. and I will always be strong, as strong as the earth is. and as everything evolves, that is how it is. my magenta colored toenails and my turquoise grandma ring. my soulmate pansy whom I happened upon by such strange fate. and maybe it's history repeating itself *correctly* this time, I don't know. but I know everything is going to work out. there will be mistakes and trials and obstacles, but that is a part of that chaos that I accept to be everyday life. and it is still perfect. :-)

right now I am made of numbers and my life depends on numbers as all of our lives and fates depend on numbers. and it is 12:20 PM on a beautiful Saturday afternoon, in Reedley, California. it's August the 22nd. I don't know if today really is the 26th or 27th or whatever, in my journal. the past three/four days have been an incredible blur. I went from the girl in the passenger seat of the white mustang convertible, with the beautiful long black hair that got so nappy from driving with the top down in the beautiful afternoon sun. and my hair was nappy until I showered twice and used lots of conditioner and brushed it out while I was on the phone with the Emily talking about whatever I don't remember.. maybe the shaved monkey in the snow with no teeth. humanity is fragile, mortal, strange. beautiful, and human. the hardest definition to make. I don't know what the definition of 'human' or what 'humanity' is. it doesn't particularly matter to me.. even though maybe we live life trying to define everything to ourselves. some of us want our way, want our reality to be how we want it and we end up screwing everything up for ourselves. some of us are honest. but we're still all human. there is no black, no white, no grey in between. we're just a bazillion marbles in one big leather bag. we are all the same, we are all equal, when it all really comes down to it. and WE are a beautiful species. no matter how violently and mortally some humans may manifest their emotions.. it does not mean that they are bad or good. they are just human. we all have our individuality, we all manifest it differently. we are still, all beautiful, all human, all the same. I am not preaching. this is just the way I feel. I might be wrong. I would like to be proven that otherwise is true. maybe everything is true. human beings are butterfly wings.