journal 3

Sunday, November 15 1998
i lost my camera. odear. i can't find him. him and his beautiful rainbow sticker to remind me of kelly. i am so brokenhearted. my last memory of my darlin camera was bringing him to school. but i remember bringing him home and leaving him on my foldy chair. *snif* i had a picture of the archangel Michael on this camera so precious. my only hope of finding it i guess is to call Denise cause she might know where it is, i remember her playing with it when i brought camera to her house when i put internet software on her puter. *snif* it hurts so much to not have camera. i can't take my beautiful pictures anymore :-( :-( :-( <- this event gets three frowns, an extreme.

on another note i have a new book i've started, her name is Phyllis Glynis Morgan, currently untitled. she's beautiful, has a sparkly hardcover and nice spiral binding and she's nice to draw in so i have this illustrated book it's great. goes nicely with my other books.

i wish our plumbing worked right. my toilet leaks from the bottom which sucks cause it was a good, expensive toilet made by um.. kohler. and then i can't bathe in the tub, only in my shower, and i can't wash clothes. it sucks, sucks, sucks. but that compares none to the nightmare i had this morning.

to accentuate today's suckiness (mainly officially having camera missing, who i thought i'd just lost in my bedroom.. he's been missing for at least a week now).. i woke up from this horrible nightmare this morning. i dreamed i lived in this big house that looked kinda like this one hotel in Santa Nella, California. I woke up to find a robber in our house. I can't tell the rest it was just so scary. maybe some other time.

it's been a long time since i mentioned anything concerning spirituality. it's still kinda something that i prefer to write about on paper. i am beginning to loathe explaining this, because there are too many damn ignorant people wanting to debate my practices and (for lack of a better word) beliefs. i don't have beliefs but there are things i know, rather. my knowledge. i want some food now.

Monday, November 23 1998
toilet is long since fixed, camera is still lost, and there is a long weekend ahead after tuesday. i wanna go outta town for long distances and EATLOTSAGOODFOOD. i also want that new john lennon collection that haslike 92 previously unreleased songs of his holiness'. i also want to live in pismo beach or atascadero, in a new apartment with a twin bed, 19" tv, playstation, dresser, aquarium, and desk. with my mommy. but i want xmas to happen first. xmas is nice. :D

Sunday, December 13 1998
i'm still alive. tori amos' from the choirgirl hotel is absolutely awesome. today i went out with my dad to look at xmas lights that the people put on their houses. i wonder if it signifies anything. "i have a beautiful house! just look!" maybe something idunnno. yeah those are some typos.

I'm putting the summer to sleep, the summer that I Vacationed. I came home and was with my mom for a while and all was swell. And I briefly went to Reno to visit Johnsons and my Great-Grandmother, Florence. Reno was so beautiful, I remember many things and many people of Reno. I remember sunlight afternoons in bookstore windows and gentlemen sincere, kind. my photograph of granny and lee is very johnson. even though granny is sullivan. :) de ja vu. i've been through this routine before. get married and have dinner. to wear a hat is where it's at. i love my brown cordouroy hat. i wear it every time i go to school. monday thru thursday. 5 to 9 pm. education somewhere in there. life is good.

i love tori amos

Saturday, December 26 1998
things have been hectic. and i love. nathan got me a silver ring. with a ruby. and i have so many friends that i love so much. i just washed my dog. he finally doesn't stink. i love the host of Blue's Clues. i have a handy dandy notebook just like his. i love the book i made for Amy. i will probably mail it to her later today. i suppose i wanted to avoid the rush at the post office earlier this week. my father got me an awesome keyboard for xmas. i have named it Charlie Patterson because i am unsure of its gender, although its masculinity exceeds its femininity. so Charlie seems to be a good enough name for a male that could be female. Patterson came after 'Pat' from SNL. this keyboard is a Concertmate 980, from Radio Shack. it has a MIDI in case i ever learn how to compose good enough....

i wanna get an e.babies bear thingie so maybe later today i will go to Kmart with daddy cause of all the 50% off sales with stores clearing inventory. i got $25 in Kmart Cash for xmas from some fund that didn't name theirself, since i'm an underpriveleged kid. i wonder why no one took credit for their charity..

i am glad. i have been well fed the past couple of days, which is not something that i am all too often. i am very grateful though. i am grateful because my dog does not stink. i am grateful because i have money in my wallet. i am grateful because i have some neat new stuff which does not happen often. i am grateful because i have nothing for a police record. i am grateful because a lot of people love me. i am grateful for that the most. i am grateful that people care. i am so grateful that i have these friends.. Amy, Marc, Jeremy, Mike, and Nathan.. they make my life sparkle. i am grateful that i have such a fantastic father and a mother that loves me so dearly. i am grateful that i can finally get some rest. speaking of which i will go to bed now.

Monday, January 25 1999
i hate my dad. i believe i have hated him for an entire week. i hate him. i want him to die. yes i do. yes i mean that. life is not easy. he does this shit because 'he loves me'. he does not understand me. i am a 15 year old girl sure. but i am not clueless. and i have needs. but i hate my dad. i hate david eugene johnson son of harold and florence. i hate him for not allowing me to go on depo-provera. my desire safety doesn't compute as responsibility to him. and now he looks down upon me and all this shit. he basically called me a puta, a whore, a prostitute, someone who can't keep their pants on. i hate him and want him to die and while i'm at it i hate teletubbies. if you laugh at me i will tear your motherfucking eyeballs out of your head. i hate high school, little whiny empty girls who don't care, teletubbies, mighty morphin power rangers, and anyone who doesn't believe that i love nathan william reynolds with all my heart forever and want to be his wife later on and perhaps might enjoy the possibility of making sweet sweet love to him once or twice. fuck the world. i hate you all. if you want my love, give me money and drugs. make me laugh. pull a smile out of me. but my situation right now is propelling me towards nothing but hatred toward my father and myself. i hate my life. i want to live with not my father. i want my freedom. my motherfucking freedom to lay in my boyfriend's arms for once and feel nothing but love. ohgod being a goddess in her teens is a challenge. why do i have to grow up so fast and then go through all this bullshit from my dad that i'm irresponsible. i am not needy. i know the difference between right and wrong, between law and disorder. i know when i am hurting my body and when i am hurting others. i hate my dad. all i want to do is take responsibility for something oh my god what if i can't.. and if..... oh god i hate everything and myself and i am crying lots and lots and i hate hate hate my dad. and i hurt lots and there is no one to hug me right now. there will be no one for a long time. i need to leave go far go leave be elsewhere..... i need to die a while.. maybe not be born again for twenty or so years.. i can't live with all this tightass shit choking me.. i can't live without someone who understands me to talk to..

Tuesday, January 26 1999
i am turning into a bitch and i don't care. it only shows up in my writing though. i'm not bitchy in real life. really. i swear.

okay a couple hours have passed and i feel better. nintendo has become a synonym for stress relief to me. i love zelda: link to the past. i can lose myself in it. i have decided to go to work full time. i want to work at samurai sam's. i am turning in my job application tomorrow if i can. there's supposed to be a big snowstorm tonight and it's started to get going so i donno if i'll be able to submit it. but i'm going to try. i dislike so much being poor. i'm also in this program at 3:30 on thursdays now called 'abstinence only' that i'm doing for school. they feed me pizza and give me $50 after going for the 5 week duration of the program. damnit that reminds me i need to fix my job application so i don't work after 3 on thursdays. odammit. bah. everything has become such a task. i can't let myself just lie and enjoy my consciousness anymore. fortunately i'll be hanging out with denise on thursday (hopefully). maybe i might even move to los banos in the unforseeable future. it all depends on where my mother goes. damnit their divorce screwed up my life. it has just taken me a year to figure that out.

i have been with my loving boyfriend for over five months now. i love him. i love him. i have to pray for my own strength these days. i am suddenly needing all these things. nathan (my boyfriend) wears aspen cologne. my classmate wore aspen to school today so i could smell it. *sigh* i will have been with nathan 10 months approximately by the time i meet him (if i meet him this june). my parents were writing to each other for 8 months before they met and married. my parents were married for 15 or 16 years. i can't recall. these things are losing their importance with me. the magic is dissolving. i don't go to movies and i have no vcr for videos, no tv antenna. i am all sheltered. i can't often call anyone. my henry rarely interests me. i wonder how much money it would take for me to be happy. minimum wage. as long as i didn't have bills. but my dad might get me a phone line. i might buy myself a pager. i might do a lot of things. if i get a job that gets me out of the house and in theory i will have plenty of money so that i can get a new tv (pawn my old one or sell it to my dad, my current tv Ricky pretty sucks), get some new clothes (i think that'll run up about $500 for a new wardrobe.. all of my clothes are really old except for 1 sweatshirt.. i have decided that taking better care of my appearance will give me more self esteem) -- (hah, self esteem on sale 25% off) -- anyways i figure i need about $70 worth of cd's, a new dresser (currently i have a small chest of drawers that just does not do the job), a coat rack because my easel is too weak to function like this forever, some canvas(!) and oil paints (FINALLY! something positive to do..), maybe a $600 puter system to fiddle around with since henry isn't something that requires any fiddling and i can't find quake partners etcetera etcetera.
no this is not greed no this is not attachment on material things. i just want a change of lifestyle. i need to redo my whole life. i have been studying more (really!) and not just sleeping and sleeping all the time like i was a week ago. i hope i am successfully bullshitting myself into turning my life around. i need to wash my clothes.

friday february 12 1999
nathan has chosen to end things.
i have chosen to self destruct.
i was arrested tonight. i can't say why.
i think i will die.

sunday feb 14 1999
okie i spoze stuff is better. we worked stuff out. i mean it certainly ain't the way it was but it is getting better.

saturday feb 27 1999
at 9 am this monday i have to call holly at burger king to see if i can be employed. yesterday was a million years ago. i hate my life. hate. i have so much hate. would you like some hate? i have plenty. it's free.

if i were a courteous person, i would explain my entire situation but i don't want ridicule, pity, or criticism. let's just say i'm a stupid codependent fucker empty blank useless lazy hateful coward confused bitchy freak.

sunday feb 28 1999
i am so fucking fragile i don't deserve to be.

1:11 AM
anyway i'm gunna go to church today, i think it will be good, i hope there's a lot of singing and a lot of sunlight tomorrow morning. because i am going to go stark raving mad if.

saturday march 6 1999
jeremy is my boyfriend now and i am happier now and stuff. but this week denise got caught by her mom with two 21 year old men who were using her... and also on the 19th of this month i will be departing for Fresno, i'll be visiting my mom in reedley and yes of course amydix too.

looking at all the stuff i've written recently makes me feel like a retard because um. i got to be such a dumbass? and i was manipulated too. but i feel a lot better now.. a happier katjoh is what i am.