December 02 1999  

Elfstar

i once knew how to levitate
in alternate dimensions
at odd hours of day
but then i woke up
on the wrong side of the bed
i couldn't calculate
i didn't menstruate
but we never copulated
we never met
it was, after all, after your death
i don't know eactly how it happened
i didn't have any mangoes
and we can't do a paternity test on your ashes
it's true now I'll never be your lover
even though I was, in dreams
in alternate dimensions
	i'm your child's mother
and thoughts of you always stay with me
	and stain me
this will be a favorite to ponder
perhaps even to ex-friends
	particularly the ones i've not met
but I feel no hate
do i feel anything at all
	on this cold December day?
i don't even know why I woke up
if i had a choice, I'd try
another day in a dream-dimension
instead of turning myself
	inside-out
in a bubble world of consciousness
slithering through mucky progress
waiting until the day i take flight
these cold sunny days alone
	somehow bond me to my
		metal insides from bone to bone
(these days) don't stop
as unforgiving as the speed of
	time always is
can i ever help wondering
	"When will there be an end?"
the pain of the past still
	refuses to stop permeating me
and so I'll wait another month
at the speed of time,
	_for one more reason
not to_ draw the line
in front of my feet
and start going backwards
	to try to find someone
		who is not there

© Katrina Kidwell Johnson