executioner angel
we will only stop falling down when we stop thinking we're pushing ourselves.


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wWednesday, April 24, 2002

I owe you an apology. That is a fact. I treasure and value your friendship like none other in my life. I love you so much that it has taken me this long to put it into words.
I understand now, and I feel like I have totally disrespected you and I really want your friendship back.
You /must/ know that I am sorry for having you set aside your principles to make me happy--
But you should also know that I would probably have done everything the same as you had, if I were in your shoes..

I am tremendously sorry for involving you in my immaturity and I really hope you'll respect me again. The reason why I'm sending you this letter is because I miss you, and I love you, I have a home in Manhattan (Rudy is now my roommate) and I never have had your address to write a handwritten letter, which I would have *much* preferred because I am a writer.

The past several months I have thought about you often, and every time, wanting to apologize, not explain, but just apologize -- I'm in a place now, where I see you and every point you've ever made to me. I miss you more than ever.

I'm a completely different person now, I think, I don't know if you will see me so differently. I'm still nomadic, but I'm not a gypsy.
I moved to New York and worked as Rudolf's housekeeper in January, but two weeks later a "friend" bought me a flight to Las Vegas to meet him and another friend. He did this before I had the time to clarify *why* he was doing this -- he later asked me to pay for my half of the ticket, which I did, and I haven't seen him since. Well after Las Vegas he drove me back to my mother's home in California. I was in California for a while, when my closest friend of the family - Felicisima "Pearl" Galanza, who was the only person besides my parents at my graduation, and she gave me a gift too.. she was my mother's best friend. She died from cancer. She was in recovered condition last summer and doing just wonderful, she even crowned my mother who was a Filipina beauty queen in the Fresno Fil-Am association. Pearl's cancer, which was thought to have been removed, apparently had spread to her colon among other organs. In January was last I visited her, my last words to her were "Mahal kita, Felicisima.. " and her last words to me were "Mahal kita" as well. She died in late February. Mahal kita means "you're very dear to me/i treasure you/i love you" in Tagalog.

During my mourning I met a fellow named Thomas Drake, a 36 year old grocery clerk in Seattle who pulls in several grand a month on eBay selling used video games and the sort. He was interested in hiring me as a partner, full time. I ended up getting the "brilliant" idea to not just make a contract to go up there and work (short-term), but to bring along mi amigo Benny Sanchez, who has a best friend in Seattle, and once dreamed of moving there. After Benny & I arrived, Benny asked my boss if he'd mind "How about I stay elsewhere this weekend and I'll work off my debt to you during the week." So Benny got a ride from his friend and partied the weekend -- and when I called him (at his friend's number) that week, he was barely homeless, he hated me, refused to come back to Bothell to work, and had decided to join the Army. Benny was like a brother, like flesh and blood brother to me. But he no longer respected me -- this, after I had written him a poem remarking that our love's bonds cannot be broken by heartless negative emotion. I had a rude awakening.

Suddenly I was on this island of solitude and responsibility. And I understood suddenly everything you told me last summer and faced all of my denials too.

Right now I'm in California visiting my mother. In a couple weeks, I'll go to Arizona to help my father out. I'm going to work in Prescott for a couple months to help him pay his mortgage because he's having some employment trouble, and I love that house too much for my father to end up in foreclosure.

I believe I will be back in New York before September.
I love you in ways I will never be able to describe. Please reply.
Every blessing,
Katrina - Kate Johnson

posted by Kate Johnson at 4/24/2002 01:46:11 AM


I got my haircut today. Glorious. I couldn't be more pleezed. Email me and bug me for a picture if you want one. find my address in one of these posts.

posted by Kate Johnson at 4/24/2002 09:19:08 PM

wTuesday, April 23, 2002

I've talked to the gentleman on the phone a couple times, Sunday and Monday evenings. Such a pity when two beautiful people cannot extend theirselves to meet due to the duty of their individual responsibility. Meaning I believe that where there's a will, there's a way, I just don't know if I am as special to him as he is to me. All I know for certain is that he is shy and not certain about his goals as I am. He's just so extraordinary, but then again -- I must face the fact that he is younger than me. I've never been in such a situation. All I figure I can do is give it time, and see if in time he expresses what I hope he feels -- and if he doesn't, then just treasure the friendship and the kiss. Lo, the teenage figure of emotional investment. *sigh*

posted by Kate Johnson at 4/23/2002 09:57:17 AM

wSunday, April 21, 2002

Dear Rebeka,
Happy birthday! Fifteen, wow! I remember when I was 15. I was in looooove with someone named Nathan Reynolds. I was doing great in school, and my parents were very supportive of me as I was just beginning to see my future coming at me.
You have even greater opportunities than I did at the time. I'm really happy for you, and I can't wait to come back to New York. Unfortunately, I can't be there to celebrate with you because my family is in a little.. well more than a little trouble. My father's job situation is up in the air, that's the most pressing issue for me. I might have to go to Arizona and work some overtime for a couple months to help him out -- I really don't want his house to foreclose.
My mother is doing great though, just that she wants me here during these two weeks and the first weekend of May because her boyfriend's family all have birthdays around now. His youngest daughter is turning 18 this coming weekend and she's having a massive party and wants me to go, especially now that she knows I'm here in California.
About your presents -- the Alice In Wonderland game that I bought off eBay appears to be a pirate copy. It works the same, but it's obviously not Nintendo quality-- it's a great game, and it works OK, I had fun with it, but I think you'll like it even more. The stationery, I got in Las Vegas the 1 time I went shopping while I was there with Kain (who, incidentally, is a big mean jerk). It reminded me of you and your music lovingness, and I wanted to get it for you, especially since it cost so little. The purse, I got when I was 15 or 16, and I don't really wear that style anymore, I think it would be a lot more functional for you. I didn't use it that much so it looks pretty new, still.

Good news -- I met a dreamy guy on my way back to California from Seattle. I'll tell you all about him next time we talk. I have pictures, but I sold my scanner a while ago so I guess I can't show him to you yet. But for one thing.. he has lucious curly blonde hair. *gush* =)


posted by Kate Johnson at 4/21/2002 04:59:27 PM