journal 6


hmm. process progress. listening to jimi hendrix "hey joe". relaxing. tired. about to fall asleep. i love this new necklace my mom bought for me tuesday. it is almost identical to the one Agent Scully wears in the X-Files. appreciate guitar. dreams remind me to miss certain people. there's this young man i keep seeing around town. he looks so much like joe, the first time i saw him i was stunned. what appearances can do. and then i knew it wasn't joe. of course. i keep having these encounters where i have no opportunity to talk to him. i guess it doesn't bother me. if it's necessary, the time will come. i'm playing my cards. waiting to come up ace and queen. is this love baby, or is it confusion? jimi. btw, i am in love with m3m. yeah. did i say that enough? he's probably the only person that reads this very thoroughly anyway. final fantasy 8 beckons me. i will return.

thursday april 6 2000

oh man it's a beautiful day! just, man. i bicycled 20 miles this morning and it's only 10:30 now. i'm listening to underworld's Born Slippy. i'm still overweight, but i don't care. i weigh about 65kg right now. but a few days ago after some consideration my mom and i decided to invest in some excercise equipment. we got a cheap knockoff of an ab roller and a stupid butterfly press (it is one piece and it was only $10 and i just said, what the hell, it might help me tone my arms, and if it doesn't there ain't much harm done, it's still a funny thing to play with). so i have been using them.. i read the diet plans that go with it and psychologically spit on it. i like food that is nutritious to me. i'm conditioning myself not to care so much about the flavour of food. so the more rarely i eat delicacies, the more healthy i am (perhaps) and (perhaps) i appreciate them more. i love m3m. but that's beside the point. i may be losing weight slowly but it's only been about a week since i've started seriously bicycling. i know 20 miles sounds pretty far but i did it in 13 laps around a 1.5 mile path around a cemetery. i may have biked farther but i wasn't concentrating on counting the laps. i was gradually kind of teaching myself better balance, too, because i was learning how to bicycle without hands. i can't do it very well so i don't do it in practice. i feel good. my legs don't feel sore at all. they weren't sore the other day when i biked 5 laps even though i was sick. i love my bike Dineh. she's a pretty Schwinn.

april 10, 2000

i recently found out that i get to attend the graduation ceremonies with the class of 2000, as a graduate. this is so awesome. this text cannot possibly portray my gratitude and the sense of awe i feel at how great this accomplishment is. and still, all it means to me, is that i have a long, beautiful road ahead, as long as i keep my eyes open and my heart glowing. i know myself again. friday, one of the most intense things i've ever experienced happened. i was on the phone with m3m when he started having a seizure. because of the circumstances, because of the way his grandmother was screaming bloody murder and calling out to god in heaven and jesus and lord, i was almost in shock but not entirely without comprehension. after she caught enough grips to grab the phone, mumble something about 911 and hang up, i shut the handset off and dropped the phone, curling up into a ball in my pink velour stuffed chair (the very one in which i sit as i am writing this). i kept calculating things in my mind, i kept remembering things he mentioned, and things that he and i experienced involving Joe. my heart did a sort of a backwards somersault into my stomach and i just choked up, couldn't really sob, tears dripped out of my eyes as i stared into the ceiling and into the armchair as my eyes wandered trying not to let any more tears fall. i was frightened, scared, worried, but i wasn't frightened, scared, worried. i was. but i still cried. i was in love. i knew that life without joe has still been beautiful, it just hasn't been enriched with his living beauty. but that is allright, i still am, and i have the love i can share with others who are alive. anyway, i was unable to speak, i wrote down how i felt after my mother came to me to give me my medication and to comfort me. she went to work and i sort of caught a hold of myself and called davec, left a message on his machine trying not to be hysterical, then i caught my breath again and called lynnie. i slowed down further (i never really got overexcited) and described the situation, i hadn't been crying anymore for a few minutes. she just understood, and suggested i call and see if i could find out what happened. fortunately he didn't have to go to the hospital, and his grandma spoke to me briefly and gave the phone to m3m. we spoke. and he was allright.

april 17, 2000

my mother has been ill with athsma so badly for so long. i wish she weren't so vulnerable to stress. i put my pager up last wednesday to be activated, and i still haven't gotten it back, but i might later today. i love the Dhammapada (book. you can buy it at bookstores.) so much. it has brought me such great joy. the same with Jack Kerouac's Scripture of the Golden Eternity. I am so happy. So hopeful. Espescially since it looks like I've got a great job opportunity just land right in my lap. Working with people my mom know & trust, whom I know & trust & want to work with. I made sure i didn't start out with anything more than minimum wage :) i want the job, not solely the money, being able to use my talents to support myself is only an afterthought. using my talents in the first place is what i want to do. so happy. haven't felt this perpetual happiness since. well actually i've been feeling it since i got out of the hospital in january, only increasing. slowly and steadily. even a person walking one mile an hour can walk a mile. anyway. busy day ahead.

april 19, 2000

tomorrow at 19:00 PDT at Barnes & Noble in Fresno, there'll be a poetry reading. i will be there. it's open mic, i hope i'll get an opportunity to share. i need to start printing out the poetry i'll figure out to share. i also have some things to say that will only make sense to some people. if it sounds like nonsense to you, don't worry, it doesn't matter. it's just poetry.


i am ready for the perfect circle.
i have finally understood infinity.
ready now am i, to join in the light of the golden eternity.
why is zero an endless circle?
there never was a beginning.
i know what i was named for now.
it's time to take my place
to shroud myself in darkness for the time being
and come into the light purely true.
all the signs are coming together
and the seeds of knowledge have been planted.
time passes but i get no older-
age doesn't know the revelation i have learned.
i finally remember why his eyes were so familiar,
karmic as my instincts might have been,
true in the light i learned through sound.
i learned the lesson you forgot
through trial and error.
patiently awaiting the eye of the storm
the meaning of it all comes so naturally
learning to speak in different tongues
so that i can understand what i might've been.
about to burst like this fragile universe
adrenaline races through this holy flow.
dismounting from the beast of burden
oblivious to the inspiration she would cause
she gave birth to a work of fiction
inspired by the innocence that she had sown.
elemental convergance nearing completion
this process must make its progression now,
infinitely destroying what was never created,
the snake keeps on eating its tail
but it's ok, that kind of perpetuation is the stability we seek.

that is all i can say for the moment. there will be more in due time. that is a promise.

may 21 23:53 PDT

a perfect circle on repeat, can't wait to get my copy.

i was two dimensional to him.
nothing more.

and at the same time i was exactly the same with angelino. and in he and i was found not an opposite but a unity never torn by the seperation from reality that compassionate, innocent, clueless bystanders were constantly reminding us of. feeling my body and soul viscerally coronary depth. i don't want a damn person to read this. but i want a loved person to read this. be loved. know that i love. the more i reach out in joy to touch others i find myself realizing suffering again. the awakened buddha to show the way no longer i am. a saddened siren with a purpose. a self appointed personal savior in the practice of lachrymology. is it bullshit or is it growth. maybe some tool fans know what i am referring to. if you wanna know then add me to your damn eye see queue list. silly manic blessings. stability in my chaos of coexistence. the love of my mother constantly blessing me. continuing to realize my father's ignorance and unmistakable unkindness. pain, tears, realizing once again my sensitivity to my humanity. the development of my intelligence, my memory, the redevelopment of my gnosis. knowing myself. truly. but understanding myself and remembering the whole scope of every last one of my actions again. better to have suffered and grown than to have loved and lost. nonsensical blathering blips of honesty. use it as evidence that i am an unruly child, like you did that one time (father). what will it prove anyway. but how much you've failed to nurture. and i know you won't read this. not until it's too late. but i don't care and you don't deserve to read it till then. even the lord of nazgul has understood and agreed with me.. with someone like that as an influence in my life, my progress will never definitely fallbackflippingpaineternal. never have i been suicidal. perhaps once in middle school i thought to myself once, "you'll be sorry when i'm dead." reading and reading and still not escaping the world for a minute developing true friendships and maintaining sobriety. not worrying ever that anything will stand in the way of my quest into my calling. i have heard the calling before i knew what sound was. it began as a fantasy but so, perhaps, does every life. pain again knocking at the back of my heart. pasting the door shut with a poetic positive coping skill. oh man did i learn more at the mental hospitals than any patient or orderly (fuck you, Steve. i had no idea what you thought until i saw your dreams) could comprehend. i am quite happy in my delusion, any functioning m3mb3r of society is delusional to any extent. delusional is only a word that will never change who i am and you cannot medicate me into complacent mechanization. i just caught a whiff of james' scent on me. i introduced him to eric. all was well, we ate well, i spied jon for the first time in a damnlong one, still looks like a psycho to me. but certain secrets are meant to be locked and buried to be resurrected only in poetic expression. this is all i can be, which is everything and nothing. attachment never existing really until suffering is proven existent again. more nonsense. thank you for tuning in. thank you, ALL of you, for your support. never did i know how much i was appreciated until i made one meandering post in a foreign site. if you write, i will tell you where it is. i love being written. i do my best to reply. but it takes more effort on one other's side to keep in touch. i am so mobile with my kenpo and study and love of nature. like kerouac said, meditate outdoors. the trees and dark at night aren't trees and dark at night, it's only natural (not a direct quote). and so i'll be clean, at least for today, bathed in expensive but worthwhile salon and clinique and compassion and concern. my network of friends cyclically revolving, dissolving and reforming, dabbling in the ever so gladness of sillyheaded enjoyment.
    oh my god
fluffball died
i had..
she wont move
oh god
it was the humidity
it was the heat exhaustion
may twenty first never the same again

there are probably more kittens in that litter that are still up for adoption
i can't stand the idea of furrball not having a sister and don't ask me why.. there is no why, no asking of why, no answering of why, and no significance attached to this

listening to mechanical animals. fortunate that i was able to resurrect what was discarded ignorantly and without foundation in reality by one father a year ago. a year ago i had been released and returned from a facility that no longer operates as it had. i love my kittens. they are the most beautiful innocent things, a month old now. i got them when they were 2 weeks. the pics are in the infamous netdrive, accessible at the bottom of my page of endless poetic ranting. all that poetry down there ain't necessarily poetry. i don't care if you think some of it isn't even poetry. i just trust right now that those who care enough to stick around and pay attention to who i am (as seems to be evident, since this site still gets more traffic than the domain itself). i love them kittens, man! :D

may 22
fluffball, the female passed away from heat exhaustion. i have written in my journal.. and earlier today she was pawing at the cords ... will/might get one of the remaining kittens if any. desperately want furrball to have siblings..

may 23
new poem added: We Will...
and check this out.

June 22

nearly hospitalized on the 20th due to complications stemmed from side effects caused by pure medicines. if only it were legitimate to see an herbalist. feeling like the waking dead because of my migraine medication. unpredictably and unfortunately temporarily bipolar. my medication is causing me great pain and stress. and it is so difficult for me. i can't afford legal counsel for my family is in debt already. and to be treated as a mental patient rather than a medical one would be a conscious violation of my patient rights, but there is now a law that contradicts a patient's right to decline treatment if a doctor present can determine that the patient is not of mental capability of making that decision for themself. because of my case history, it is possible that i may recieve no treatment at all because i have bipolar disorder and in public hospitals, there is so much miscommunication that a person cannot suggest a diagnosis for themself depending on the circumstances. my situation right now is so insecure - and being a minor with parents of dual custody, i may end up with no rights whatsoever just like what happened april 99. the doctors got permission to send me to a mental hospital without ever getting an agreement from my mother, who has just as much right over my future. and amidst this, the only way i can decline treatment is by disallowing them to inject or medicate me at all, and to do this would only serve to complicate and prolong my unnecessary medical treatment. every time i have been medicated i have experienced side effects that only caused me pain or inability to form thought or even communicate when i could form thought. my metabolism is so slow that when a small dose is ineffective they give me a large dose and once it has finally saturated my bloodstream and gone into my mind, i go into either a form of shock or i exhibit no change at all. because i am under observation i cannot self - medicate, even herbally, and this is doing so much damage to my body that it aggravates me and causes stress to my closest loved ones. i don't believe i've ever experienced so much sobering pain in my life, even when elfstar passed away, because i never even met my own fiancee, i never fully realized or communicated the loss it caused me, even to myself. i am unable to cope (meaning: it is hard for me to surround myself with the people that i love) because i really need a vacation. although i fully understand the side effects and the chemical imbalance in my head, i cannot even suggest a diagnosis for myself because of my past hospitalizations. great pain is caused to me. i've so much need to create.. and cannot even travel, and it is so difficult for me to keep in touch with my friends in this climate. i cannot go bicycling anymore, and although i have a car i cannot even drive in this state. i may be of legal age. but there is so much undue discrimination against me.. but i understand it is only their self-concern. i can't even dream because of my meds.. and now i can barely get enough sleep. i've become so mortal again. and i've become such a pea. tiny little thing. and that is not something sad to me, but i am only sad that i cannot be an adult here. i have hope. but unfortunately, because my only hope is information and vacation, i may be in danger. i'm in danger. i'm mild. i'm in pain. i'm a child's body in an adult mind. i'm an adult with complexity but underage. i'm a philosopher and i'm picky. and i am afraid. the darkness of dawn soothes me and the pain of detachment is therapeutic. i'm going back to study my berlitz german graduation present now. til next time.

july 07 2000

am lazy; sloppy, but somehow, i'm motivated. play video games! yes. currently attached to Saga Frontier 2 by an insulated wire with a plug and symmetrical controller. a playstation entertainment console. of my divine admiration. stomachache from fizzy IBC root beer (much reminiscent of a sensation felt two years ago ... see journal 1. not that it is interesting or anything.. :)

not really feeling any better than before, but healing, and hoping that i'll be able to make arrangements to obtain a scholarship or at least transfer to a university that exists outside of the California state boundary. my perpetual hate for this state in redundant perpetuity. reiterating it, to and fro. to make sure that people realize that west coast ain't the shit :D i've been bitching about it since i went to the hospital and realized all that crap about my medical history. fortunately mike's gonna resolve to come out here and invite me to tour europe. at least if it's only a dream, it coincides with my neverending desire to escape this (beautiful country, but) malpracticing democracy. not anarchist. not revolutionary. just some escapist. that really needs to kidnap m3mb3r....... if one could have obtained a driver's license. confusing in grammar. sentence in fragments. gas pains and cravings for the (discontinued) chocolate espresso clif bar. which is the first kind I ever tasted, in an airport. i was badly dressed yesterday in karate slaqs and a pajama shirt and failing to purchase the right birthday present for eric and realizing that you don't save /that much/ by purchasing used playstation games, if you're looking for some of the latest releases. i want reboot and i want fifth element and they weren't available for rent. and note to self: damn namco, even though Tekken 0wnz me nicely. furthermore, do not forget the dream about the cross between Clovis and Los Banos and Kingsburg crossed with Pandemonium and Spyro the Dragon and Final Fantasy 6 and that wonderful young man who's now employed by the Air Force and how much assurance one might feel by so much glorious magickal happenchance. ..... do i know how to be vague or what? ..... in remembering that i began this for myself i remind myself it doesn't make a difference how i communicate because i will always know what i mean to myself, at least in written record. that's why i still have a lot of shitty-ass poetry up. (becoming rather lame with the adjectives now.... retrospect of journal1) [realizing how difficult it is to recreate every aspect of one's subjective emotions and circumstances to a tolerable and readable point] {realizing i do not have a point} and this is no justification of my nonsensemakin. i just really miss my vital stuff. the lovedust&fantasydata. poetry skills dissolved, but fortunately ****I'm off meds**** and i'm re-entering reality from an antiplane of inability to be me.

august 22 2000

so i found out that my dad told my cousin that i had been pregnant. way the hell back in 1998, i presume. flat out lie. i hadn't any idea, other than my worst fears. i don't feel i'll ever be seen true by anyone he is amicable with. so much i want to remove my life from any association with him. it is becoming so difficult for me to realize how i want to live my life, who i want to be. i had once evolved myself into the person i had always wanted to become. and i lived it for a while. i never had projected i'd experience this subjective kind of pain that no one who has yet spoken to me can relate to.. or at least relate to me in kindness and concern for me.

and i am happy.
jesse a.
i once wrote a recpie for a perfect man, in jest.
and i met him in an airport. and merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream.

i am also happy because i'm in vocational school. teacher's aide. i realize that i haven't written in my journal in well over a month. lots of stuff is left out. to sum it up (or try) i have been going through cycles (as always) creating a niche for myself. and i wanna squeeze someone in. glad. ..delighted.
a burden i carry that i want to slowly remove. with the aid of someone i dream of loving. i remembered the email joe sent me over a year ago the other day. and i'll never even imagine that i am alone. i don't feel alone. compassion that was reawakened in me. a reservior pleasure. spinning and glowing. headache gone into nothinghood. i feel awake. and there are few things that are better than awareness. i feel aware of my life again.