journal V
10.14.99
today was totally the greatest blast i've had this entire year! i went to the fresno fair with elizabeth and samantha and my mother and we stayed there til late at night. i sang karaoke at New Rock 104's Singing in the Shower Local Talent promotion and stole the show :b samantha and my mom took pics.. some guy in the crowd hollered, "shake your booty, girl!" because instead of standing stock still and faking my way along i relaxed and moved to the music.. i had so much fun. elizabeth was like, "dude, you were so awesome" and the dj (supercute kid with an eyebrow ring) smiled at me and said "great job!" then, we went to the midway and since my mom couldn't afford wristbands, we bought forty tickets, but we barely ended up using them all because most of the carneys let us ride free. they were either too busy counting heads to notice we weren't wearing wristbands or they were cool and a couple of them even let us stay and ride again :D . after the fair, we were starving so we went to Perko's so my mom could pay with her credit card and chowed. some drunk guy came up to our table and said, "My friends dared me to come up and start talking to you guys." my mom had been facing to me so i guess he thought we were all girls. then he said, "but what i really wanted to know is if you guys like to party." and samantha gave him a funny look and my mom goes, "well um i was just talking to my daughter.." and elizabeth came back from the bathroom and was like, "excuse me?" we all were like.. "we were just gonna eat our dinner ok?" and he was like, "ok, that's cool" and he left. samantha goes, "Dude, that guy was drunk.." and we laughed. man i love those girls, we had so much fun together.. nothing is like going to the fair and hanging with good company.
10.17.99
joseph angelino, my ex fiancee, passed away due to blunt force trauma to the back and neck. forensics indicate he was going ~100 miles an hour when he went off the road due to falling asleep with his foot on the accelerator. all i can think of is how much love he had, how he was like family, how he was going to be the best man, how he was going to be the godfather of my future kid. his heart was so beautiful, so creative. i love his memory, treasure it. this is the greatest loss i have had in my teenage years. the pain is so great. to never be able to speak to someone again. someone you could've called a week ago. someone you laughed with and sang to. someone you shared dreams and fantasies with. special. i am indebted.. i will go meditate now.
10.19.99
i have a wave file of Joseph Angelino now. if you can mix a song with his voice looped here and there, tell me about it cause that'd mean so much to me.
i feel warm and cold at the same time... warm inside and cold to the touch. my heart hurts and sighs. i'm sure i will write more often now. there is so much of my life that exists while i am alive. the fact i am alive means so much to me now. because i am a part of the lives of others. my best friends. i love my boyfriend who wishes to remain anonymous. like brothers was he to elfstar. joe had a way of making his friends his family and loving his family so strong. the love i felt in his friendship is something that will never fade away. once loved, i still feel the love that he gave to me.
10.30.99
i'm laying back listening to delerium right now thinking about how i'm going to be a woman in 5 years. perhaps a mother in 5 years. perhaps a teacher in 5 years. the other morning i drank the dew collected in a rose petal.. i don't know why i did. i think it's because i'm a faerie at heart.. it felt ethereal, that's for sure. but ever since then i've felt this positive energy that i haven't felt for a long time. i just love, and light, and feel, so much. i feel cleansed. i feel pure again. i wanna go ride my bicycle now.
01.19.2000
I have finally recognized that I have been lazy. Not just that, but realized that I could change that. I am typing on a new keyboard. I am listening to the Tea Party. I am taking 1200mg Neurontin daily. I love m3m. I love people. I am fat but that will change. etcetera etcetera.
I live in my own universe. I may have already addressed this. Last night I had a roommate whom I spoke to; "I do not see a bed with covers, I only imagine that I see it, the same as I imagine that all the things around me are breathing here in the dark. My hallucinations are no more real than anything else I'm experiencing right now. Does it matter? I am happy, kind. I am realizing my responsibilities." I later spoke to her about the guy on the other side of my wall. I knocked on the wall. He knocked back. josh. I will use a lowercase j for the sake of it. If he reads this, he damn well better write me. Or call me. you should have recieved my phone number in the letter I left you before I left the hospital. If not, email me. Email me, dammit.
Ah. josh. but not m3m. 17 year old scrawny silly but goth. but not black wearing. Not even a druggie. is love compassion, empathy, kindness, sincerity, longing? if so, then i felt love for him. in the hospital, he answered the question "Do you have anyone in your life that you love? Or even care about?" as i sat right next to him he sighed, thought for a moment, and said, "no, not really." I found myself trying to psychically tell him "you are loved. you are loved. I want you to feel loved. even if you want to be lonely, i want you to feel loved.." monday night i sat next to him and spoke privately for a rare moment. I asked him, "can you read my mind? it would make things so much easier for me.." as i thought about how I had tried several times to psychically communicate with him. he said, "what do you mean, like of course I can tell (he scrunches up in a somewhat fetal position in his chair) if you mean you're attracted to me (bites his nails)." I told him, "well of course my actions have been kind of alluding to that but that's not what I mean.. it's just that I have feelings for you that I do not understand." He nodded and kinda sat up.
The next day we were speaking, and I can't remember what was said, but he told me, "But you have a boyfriend." I said, "well it *is* an open relationship. I've already "been with someone" locally while I was his girlfriend. Just as long as we tell each other about what's happening then it's not exactly cheating." josh started to laugh in a startled way, "what you call an open relationship and what i call an open relationship are two totally different things.."
So once I left the hospital today, I called up the hospital at the supposed phone time of 4:30 (phone time is supposedly 4:15 to 4:45 in afternoon) but lady-who-answered told me he was in a group and to call back at 6:30. So I did. and he was gone. just like that. and I don't know his last name. I don't know if I can get that kind of information from them. I don't know if they can legally give it to me. I don't know if they would if it were legal. He told someone his handle in front of me. I wish I had been listening.
I tried to call m3m last night. love him so muchbits&piecesmanymanylotsandbunches. wanted to have him talk to josh for a little while, maybe the way "john" did before we "were with each other" as brief as it was. and i've gotta get m3m to talk to my new girlfriend jen that i met here. hot damn i need to call her. i haven't spoken to her since the 9th. hope to my pinkie toe that she doesn't think i ditched her. she's beautiful.
On one last note for today, I'd like to apologize from the bottom of my thunderbeating heart that I haven't written since october. that kind of laziness is, I suppose, due to what was going on.. i got really sick with the flu a couple times. I lost intrest in the internet. I got my California High School Proficiency Diploma. Been thinking about college. Might get my permit tomorrow. (music in background reminds me, "Power to the people...Back once again with the ill behavior.." i miss wakko. the dj who made the mix i'm listening to right now.) November 15 and January 10th, as well as September 9th and a couple times briefly in between, were the days that I did the original backwards spiral rolling-around thing that was eventually described as pseudo-seizure with psychosis. Still it is hard for me to believe psychosis is what happened. It was all too real. All I saw was too true. Except I cannot prove it. I can hope that the package I sent someone will be appreciated. Blood sweat and tears. New poetry has been posted. The package i sent this person contains a bunch of mindslosh that I don't even hope, I don't know what I feel, how can I hope that he will waste his time trying to help me puzzle over why or how or etcetera..the biggest most all-encompassing and unbelieveable but yet intriguingly possible conspiracy theory ever published... i don't want to share my ideas yet, i don't even understand them myself, i need my m3m to com'ere and help me pick through those 6 sound files of mindslush and help me to remember all the elements of the forementioned conspiracy theory. It involved song lyrics, how they were inspired, television shows and why they said what they did, the actual purpose of the show "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" (did you see it Jan 9th? Regis said, "I think they're trying to kill me" just imagine what it was like for me to see that... never mind, you can't, and when the time comes i'll edit the gaps out of the sound files, patch them together, and mp3 it as a spoken word rant. It'll still be something like 30 to 40 megs maybe. I think it depends on if i have to convert the file quality before encoding. Good god, i'm trying to imagine how long it will take for me to encode ~190 megs of 8kb/s mono into understandable mp3. bleh.
since it is obvious that was not the last note, I'll end this entry now, with a few pieces of stuff. "Smile and be kind." / "Mother Kali eats herself back." / "Einstein theorized that the universe is an expanding bubble and you know what that means." - from Kerouac's Scripture of the Golden Eternity.
01.22.2000
wearing the same flannel pajama pants on the day of my umpteen-hundredth reformat of this box, i am finally running AllAdvantage. it is this program that shows an ad on my screen and i can minimize it when i want. it pays me for the time i spend surfing (the time that i have a browser that is active). My friend got about $40 last month. I think I'll use it a little while. I had to sign up under my mom's name tho. not that any of this is important. if you want to join this cool program then go to geocities.com/sirenwings and click the banner.. you'll get the same amount you'd be paid if you weren't referred, but i'd get paid too, for referring you. which would be sweet. sweet? i'm not asking. just offering.
my bottom is sore. i sit on mauve colored velour. a stuffed couch. listen to beautiful, beautiful techno by an artist named Aphex Twin. blasting it on my 50+1 sony surround stereo that i am ever so grateful for, even though i realize that i don't need it, and i don't desire it, i am just thankful i have been blessed with this technological marvel. like all the things i own, i am somehow just as happy without it all, with nothing but the pants on my ass, the shirt on my back, and my long hair and barefeet when i go on walks in the cemetery that you can read about in "pilot/cemetery.." on my text-only page or my poems page (no longer exists) on my norml website.
i colored my mouse a fascinating geometric pattern with sharpie marker. i accidentally got marker on my monitor. but that's ok. i can cover it up with more duct tape. i already have a big strip of it on my monitor. another few wouldn't hurt. perhaps i should fram my 15" monitor with this beautiful silver duct tape. i really wish i could build myself a puter. i am falling out of my attraction to my aptiva as time goes on and it becomes obvious that it's really windows at fault for being slow a few weeks after a fresh format... but why can't they give me a non-Winmodem so i can run linux??! i wanna. i got it on disc. i have tried to run it. i don't think it'll work on Henrylaptop either. pcmcia modem and all that. It's not worth the time to slap the software in and give it a try. I already have it on a speedy setup.. even though i don't use it mcuh anymore since (multi thoughts right now: unrelated: my bottom really hurts, i want a cigarette, i wish my friend was coming over, and i have to go offline) Myradesktoptower has a CDRW drive.
Good day. january. I got "To Venus and Back" and also a slew of other new discs including Aphex Twin's Richard D James album.. Jamiroquai i love, and both Jamiroquai and Jerry Cantrell were courteous enough to use CDTEXT on their albums.
01.26.2000
a flying squirrel must lead a fascinating life. food for thought.
i have only useless thoughts during my time here that i've re-updated noun.org to include Andrew. good buddy of mine, like Marc. My stomach feels ill. I think I am writing such an uninspired journal entry because I have been focused on graphics and code. I can't think romantically or in array like normal. or something. don't ask me to analyze myself at 4:15 AM. yeah, you didn't. i know. 's all my own fault for even trying.
so Clerks was on i think it was Cinemax last night and i saw it again for the first time in about 2 years. damngood movie. freaky and funny and classic. once or twice the conversation starts to look like acting but it happens.
I need to read more about Plato. I need. knowledge. yes. this is my need that i have determined to need for myself. not desire. require.
01.28.2000
i read back in my journal in disgust at the times when i allowed myself to fall into prissy consumerism so gradually i didn't notice. it's still my fault. you may or may not notice it. it is past. but i am at a point where i'm realizing what is needed beyond desire, and the roots of all my desire. my battle right now is with compulsion. i have a habit of eating that i need to trim and make adequate. i need, definitely need to get out more. i was even told this by a doctor but i didn't need to hear it from a "professional". me, me, me. how irritating it is to me that my journal is so self centered, could it possibly be any other way? i would feel even more stupid should i start writing it in the 3rd person. bleargh. i am clear minded, but i need to resurface, i need to examine myself, know myself. i don't know myself anymore. when my mom tells me it is disgusting and unhygenic not to shave my armpits, i roll my eyes but i still feel upset that she is so flippant. of course it's due to her highly stressful career of choice but i am not going to try to turn her into an objectivist. i've tried and gotten close before.. she was so compassionate those times. i wrote about them in this same journal. in 1998 the mid/late summer. i have a phone call i need to make while at the same time i wonder; where should i begin? at what aspect of my life should i begin to analyze myself? i think i will talk on the phone and smoke a menthol cigarette i happen to have left over from some venture downtown. how can i beautify and simplify in such a disgusting, consumerist, and americanized environment? hopefully my few friends will guide me. they share the same journey i'm on. i am reminded of the journey Elfstar and I wanted to go on maybe this year. I would leave at the drop of a hat if I knew my journey would lead me to him for just long enough to glance. here i am, wishing for the impossible. whom have i left, with whom will i leave the swamp for the greater forest? right now i consider m3mb3r and andrew hussey potentially my closest friends, and then perhaps Wakko (my favorite DJ), and Vic, and another who prefers not to be mentioned anywhere, and no he is not imaginary. purposeless list of friends. remind self, as you stare off into the graphic EQ in your stereo, that the plasticmetalwire thing with knobs and buttons is not important, but the music it spews forth in surround sound. my god am i spoiled. we have sucked the fruit of disease and found that it tasted sweet like me gone bad. have i quoted that in my journal before? it's from a song by Machines of Loving Grace, which coincidentally is named after my favorite poem of all time. I haven't found it on the net, but i haven't tried to look until recently, when i found i had left behind my own copy i had handwritten from the Whole Earth catalog, i think. i'll get a copy and put it up on a "my favorite poetry by writers not featured in noun.org" or something.
infomercials, man cutting cheese. you really need this vaccuum sealer, and i'll prove it to you. desires. like my desire rooted in instinct. leave myself with no personality, and start over. abandon my individuality, and rebuild my humanity. purify my consciousness. it can be done. i have done it once, and almost completely a second time but that process was interrupted. i do not complain. it is not meant that anything should be done about that. only that i learn from the pain and what i make with it, the pain of being purposely misdirected, overmedicated, the pain of being judged with no due process (think psychologist, not legal), shaking, shivering, cold loneliness pain. solitude is good, but not the same as isolation. root word is sol. solace. solitude. isolation. unimportant to me at the moment. nothing is important to me at the moment. all i know right now is that there is a young man waiting for a phone call to come, and he does not know that my devotion to writing is keeping us apart for this moment, maybe a moment longer. and you must listen to the machines of loving grace. i'm sure you can find some with napster. they own. own. gilt certainly isn't as good as Concentration in my not humbled opinion. i must peel myself from my new logitech internet keyboard (the greatest thing about it, to me, is that the control/shift/window keys are not stuck together, as opposed to my previous keyboard). i must yank myself from this pink velour chair with legs broken that should've fallen apart two interstate moves ago.
i have just begun writing a story called Ütopya that is far from finished but if you want to view its progress the text file is there. my laptop is a foot rest. i need more desk space. i didn't need a desk in the first place. a few minutes ago i realized that i have no faults. an observer might balk at me. that is all right. the faults percieved in me are their perceptions, and those so critical of me are the people with problems of their own. that is something that i love about cleaning up after myself; i realize that i have only tasks to complete in day to day life. interact with mother; check. watch news; check. brush teeth 2x; check. wash face; check. ingest nutritious substances; check. go for walk, enjoy nature. respond kindly and gratefully to stimulus. recreate experiences in text and post to internet; check. exchange information with people through internet over telephone lines. be aware of all one's actions. retire consciousness after many hours of awakedness.
i am not flawless but i am faultless. it is not a fault of mine that i am overweight, it is merely a result of past actions/inactions. it is not my fault that i am the child of divorced parents, it is not my fault that i haven't found jesus, it is not my fault that i am not a successful web designer. there are paths i have chosen not to take, there are things that i had little or no control over. and still, i am more than the sum of all my experiences. i am greatful that i was blessed with the love of elfstar before his passing. he had just become a man. we tossed around the idea of marrying someday, even after we dissolved our more intimate relationship. we both had lots of patience with our lives. we had all the time in the world to realize whether or not we oughtta spawn and live together and all that. uncharted magic. will not happen according to destiny, not in this incarnation. perhaps; it was once said, "perhaps it was destined that you and [m3mb3r] would have a child with the soul of joe reincarnated in him," and i had already pondered this. right now i go by two different nicknames mainly. I am Siren/Siren wings on ICQ/AIM, and on IRC I still go by Nurse (from animaniacs, yes). i am tired right now, i know this because my legs are trembling. no state has ever stopped me from being able to type understandable english at at least 50wpm. long winded and quick fingered, that is me once in a while. with my fingers finally getting used to my logitech internet keyboard, i am finally utilizing this peripheral to its full potential. in this situation. communicating thoughts. (cough) extremely boring superbowl stuff on Good Morning, America. after throwing away 5 garbage bags this morning i am disgusted at how wasteful this household is. ooh. Emeril is gonna be on Good Morning, America. Valentine's day isn't for a couple more weeks, yet. Consumerism. thoughts of sheep. baaaa! convince me you really need this merchandise; this is not a convenience store. have taken my medication by now. i will go walk rather than continue to be a lazyhed. i wonder what kind of married couple me and m3m are gonna make. we'll be minimalists. i would like to play tennis. i want to live in a small cabin that i will participate in building. two bedrooms, a full bath, a small but efficient kitchen, a breakfast nook, and a living room. a loft. on a crawlspace foundation. with a deck. in the mountains of Arizona. perhaps Sedona, or Jerome, or Prescott, but not too close to town. if I lived in walking distance from Oak Creek Canyon, that'd be just perfect. in my cedar cabin, with solar panels and a windmill (if the area permits) to help generate electricity, at least a mile from any neighbors. i would have solitude should i want it. amongst nature. i would buy as much land as i could afford. my simple home would be well insulated but also aerated. mmm i would love to have a garden, if the soil was right. i would love to have a wooden frame built in the shape of a gazebo, with a clay tile floor, and grapevines intertwining with honeysuckle and wisteria that form the latticework and shade of this structure. depending on the elevation and slopes of the lot, i'd appreciate a lap pool. maybe a regular swimming pool. i think i'd love a greenhouse/sunroom. tell me you know another 16 year old girl whose wants include a greenhouse and sunroom. every other girl i know my age, wants her problems solved, more money, and "beauty", i can think of sweet exceptions. maybe well one or two. i'm glad there are exceptions. i am disappointed in the sheep. the masses. the conformists. and still, for some strange reason, i still tweeze my eyebrows even though i do not shave my body. i wonder if i have stopped eating meat for a while. perhaps i have become a vegetarian. i have not eaten meat today. i have had only coffee so far. but i consumed many calories yesterday. i should go for a walk so long that i do not return home until i am truly tired and worn. that is what my body was built for. somewhere along the evolutionary cycle, i was a gatherer, or a journeyer. someone who walked long distances. i have felt no frustration. i have been so patient since i donned this necklace. i get this meme that my hormones are interacting with my thought processes causing me to care more for my body, to become natural and accept myself, as a woman, that i will be a mother, i will be a maiden, i will be a wise woman, i will be all these things, perhaps seperately or at once. i hear a clip from the Fifth Element in this electronic song by Tomorrow Maximum called Blesh. it's on mp3.com. i tweeze my eyebrows because when i did it in the past, i gave up my chance to have natural eyebrows. they will never grow back as they once were. i do this useless alteration to my body. and why will i get a tattoo? why have i always been obsessed with the lowercase j, even long before i met joe or m3mb3r. that is what will go on my lower abdomen. a minute lowercase j. perhaps small enough to be mistaken for an ink blotch or birthmark. my thoughts keeping me from exercising. keeping me glued to the velour chair of thoughts. my throne. queen of my two and a half year old website that has evolved so much. if it's still up, you can view an old, old version of my website at some place in geocities. i think i will actually login and restore it to its original form. i will do something with it. yes. i have the time. my nicotine and caffeine will aid me. fuel for a new generation. the enlightened punks. fearless. faultless. i will go get started.
feb.1.2000
*burp* hey. beautiful sunset clouds hospitality and kindness. face off is a phat movie. i have it on video but it's gonna be on NBC. random useless thoughts. was reading about einstein, Socrates, Plato, and i think Aristotle. i made the best sandwich for dinner. i used a bit of french bread, cut it like a bun, put some green leaf lettuce down, put some roma tomato slices down, put some alfalfa sprouts on it, put some bacon on it, more lettuce and it was so good. i went to a drug recovery program today. my neighbors moved out. i can finally have my stereo blasting, i haven't heard it like this before. really awesome, is sony. kind. bubbles. vertices in ceilings. spinning vinyl grooves. a whole new appreciation for beats. i realize how i live off music. in the stories i am writing right now..... i should read Christopher Pike's _The Starlight Crystal_ again. it may be youth fiction. but it is still awesome. science is beautiful. physics and mathematics. life philosophy earth flesh time. i want music to unify. i want music to be beautiful. i will have to make this music myself. it will be my personal revolution. i wish i had my keyboard. but it is not mine. it was my christmas present. but it is not mine anymore. neither is my guitar, which is also still in arizona. i must talk to a friend now. i have friends now. i am glad. relationships can be something one is grateful for. fare well, 'til next time.
feb.10.2000
i am so sick of this website's design, but i'm not comfortable enough to redesign it yet. what a bleh journal entry. on with more thoughts.
i just entered "j2 / silver box" into a poetry contest. cross yer fingers. this could wind up paying for my college education. ;) i entered it because it was fewer than 20 lines and seemed to have the greatest appeal for a person to read into it easily. i love that poem and i thought that it'd be something i could be remembered by if i become a poet like kerouac (i wish).
sorry i left the past week out. in the past week i have: hung out with a son of my mother's customer, slept, ate, watched movies (including a really cool one on HBO Signature called "Temptress Moon" about.. oh look it up on the IMDB. i have played/fiddled with computers. i have terminated my membership with Primenet (now called Frontiernet) and signed up with MindSpring which owns my ass. MindSpring is the very phattest ISP in existence that I have used, and I've used many (in alphabetical order): AOL, Compuserve, Concentric, Frontier Globalcenter formerly Primenet, and ProtoSource Network which is a regional ISP. I have also used Freei.net, and Excite's FreeWorld, AltaVista's Free Access, and theSimpsons.com free internet access. Those all use the same POPs. Freei.net is best of those. MindSpring rocks. If you sign up, refer me. My email name is "fsck@mindspring.com". :D
random scattered thoughts. lots of scattered text. desire to take a degree program in web design from international art institute. must, must hurry up and make bright ideas. gumption. gotta get some of that. i think they put it in Red Bull. it costs two bucks for a can though. Sobe's much less expensive. Tasty. Wish I could buy me a new life. Yeah. itches. gazebo with honeysuckle. organic food. lots of rice milk.
feb.12.2000 saturday
*cough* i just got back from seeing The Beach (movie). i had a dream that foresaw a lot of those events in the movie. a lot of the plot. but my dream wasn't violent, although it was centered around the legend of someone's death. and to my surprise it was leo dicaprio in the dream, although i'm not a fan in particular i do admire him as a talented actor. the same thing happened with robin williams in Bicentennial Man. except i haven't seen the movie. i also foresaw Metallica's S&M album. yeah. why didn't i mention it when i had these visions in november. i told a few people. they laughed. "Metallica w/ a symphony?? naw, that'll never happen." i only told my mom in passing about the beach dream, i think. i flew to some polynesian/micronesian island that was uninhabited, did some diving off waterfalls and stuff, lived off the earth with the friend who looked like leo dicaprio. there were two others there also, perhaps three. maybe two girls and a guy, maybe two guys and another girl. it's fuzzy. at one point one of the girls was telling me about how four people had been murdered on the island and that's why humans didn't inhabit it anymore. the people who had remained lived there until they died out. i liked the dreams i wrote about at the end of journal 4 more but thats because i can visualize it all so well.
.
i'm thinking about plans to make my own spoken word album. so many times on the phone i am told how perfectly i articulate meaning in words i speak when i read poetry or scripture or lyrics or what. they are right.. text cannot possibly convey the sincerity and rythm. it will take me a while to get started. this is just an idea right now. my soundcard bites not to mention my aptiva. (i love you, ibm!) an old aptiva is about as useful as a microcassette tape recorder for a project like this. i'm not complaining though. i'll make do. it ain't gonna be hi-fi.
mar.01.2000 wednesday
why. i am asking this a lot and i am getting a lot of different answers. because of your own actions. because of luck. because of the weather. because i love you. etc.
i think i'm finally crossing over. finally becoming a resourceful nethead. finally appreciating what it's like not to add to the nothing that is the WWW (recent deletions). self amputation of literary appendages. i am the cavalier. i am a sporty coupe that is comfortable. that is a lie. but i don't care. this is my nothing. welcome to my nothing. i'm sorry if you've read this whole thing. you could've done something more productive. i will briefly consider putting a disclaimer at the beginning, but then dismiss it because i am lazy, but just lazy enough that i still have enough volition to litter the internet with my words.
becoming pretty negative, seemingly. i'm still cute and silly in person and on icq and irc. i smile a whole damn lot. i'm in luv you know. and i got friends too. life is good. the negativity i expell in this journal is leftover from the negativity i feel towards the uselessness of this journal, the rare negative feedback (which obviously gets to me more than the positive feedback inspires me which is so unfortunate).. what is going on with me. that is not a question. i am going to go copy one of my cds now. for my own uses. legally. it's like making myself a tape for my walkman, except i'm making myself a cd for my boombox, so i can leave my Days of the New and Days of the New 2 in my cd changer. most listened to cds of the moment: Days of the New and Days of the New 2, Are You Experienced?, Hello Nasty, Karma (Delerium), and a couple mix cds i made for myself with stuff off mp3.com and a track my friend Wakko made called the Fatboy Slim Mixtape. ehm blargh mon tdhinck el nohm vereddie. roughly spelled in the english alphabet. i'll decode it a little for you. tdhinck means dream. nhom means "all of the" or "all the". bah. fehgget aboudit. useless text in a neverending cyberscape of uselessness and relevant information. i want some cheese.
here is more nothing on the first day of march. Stewart's Cherries 'N Cream soda is the best drinkable substance on this entire planet (that I have ever tasted). i have 4 bottles of it right now. cloves are also good. nutmeg is also good. so is cream cheese. so is rice. so are burritos. so is Me -N- Ed's pizza. falling in love is fun. having a fleeting crush on a stranger in the same room with you is almost as fun. long hair is nice. noun is adjective.
oh yuck. i will dream of all the ill weather. ver- means ill-. edie is weather. when it is compound, the d is doubled, in the english alphabet. i want the Rhino Records millenium disco party. more blips of mental uttrances. i'm going to go burn stuff. with a laser. on a disc. yeah. static thoughts of joe. withering. game shows. i want to be a CHP pilot when i grow up. time for me to move back to arizona.
mar.06.monday.2000
i go to doctor's later this morning. if i can stay awake. oops.
i finally realized that i can take my netcam wireless since it draws power from the USB port, and i still got henry. myra is nearing a pinnacle of perfection, i hope she makes it there and stays. beautiful computers. if you have viewed my March photos at my netdrive, then you would, perhaps, have seen me showing off "Program Disc" and "data CD", both of which I labelled my self with Photoshop and Easy CD Creator. I can't stop geekgasming. It owns so so much. *uuuUuuuhhhuuuhh* not to mention the 50-spindle of 700Mb CDRs I got at best buy when i got my printer. it was only $40, which is the cheapest retail I've ever seen without rebates or buying bulk. I can make audio cd's for ~1.00 apiece if i label them and put sleeves on them (but i don't have sleeves yet, but they're only like $4 for 100). i don't make that many though so this is gonna be like a lifetime supply. achooo!